In June, model and actor Lisa Ray was diagnosed with multiple myeloma—an incurable cancer of the white blood cells. In between getting blood transfusions, trying to retain a normal life and attending press conferences for her new film, Ray decided to write a blog: The Yellow Diaries. Partly sardonic, partly heartbreaking, it’s a glimpse into her personal journey and the journey of those who are battling cancer. Edited excerpts:
From the marrow
7 September 2009
A few months ago my bone marrow started sending me messages.
The signals: I was always exhausted, pale, drained, and completely depleted of red blood cells. The lack of oxygen made me a serial yawner and spacier than a displaced Czarina. Little did I know, but my haemoglobin had fallen to levels where even a dedicated bloodsucker would turn their thoughts to revival. In between work and travel in India this year, I got a routine blood test and the results sent me to the hospital for a blood transfusion.
But not a reason to stop and, like, change my life?
New horizons: Ray’s last film, Cooking with Stella, opened at the Toronto International Film Festival in September. Satish Bate / Hindustan Times
The attempt to communicate probably started earlier. Time when I was ‘busy’. Building a career and impersonating myself. Travelling a lot and stock-piling impressions and drama and super-hyped destinations and a life in ‘art’. So I couldn’t hear my marrow gently carbonating. Trying to get my attention. Instead of tuning in to my body, I tuned out like a landlocked pirate tuning out the sounds of the sea.
And then I stopped travelling and returned to Canada. Got myself tested by Dr Susy Lin, landed in emergency and eventually got full membership into the Cancer Club.
That’s how I found out I have multiple myeloma.
Cancer Club, Multiple Myeloma Division, June 2009.
LIVESHOCK: the recurring shock of being alive. More on this later.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s true the deepest crises are moments of great opportunity. An event that shocks you into seeing with the heart. A place from which to combine survival and celebration. Our boy Lance Armstrong called his cancer survivor story a Journey Back to Life.
I believe. But right now I’m a cancer intern, covert social watcher and I’m doing all this against the backdrop of preparing to premiere two films at the Toronto International Film Festival and wondering if I should have cancelled that meeting with that director while bloated up on my ‘roids’ or I should have just come clean. ‘Yes—I have cancer. The meds shift the shape of my body in ways I can’t predict—but I can still perform torridly well and are looks really still that important in showbiz anyways? I have so much more to say now than ever before…’
Should have said it.
Didn’t.
But I’m writing this blog.
I’m not sure why and that’s probably the best beginning.