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How to sail through difficult conversationsfrom asking for a promotion to handing the pink slip to an employee
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Anybody who ever built an empire, or changed the world, sat where you are now. And it’s because they sat there that they were able to do it," says Ryan Bingham (George Clooney) in Up In The Air while firing an employee. The actor plays the role of a “career-transition" counsellor in the 2009 film—he fires employees for corporate bosses who lack the courage to do it themselves. Sure, he displays a degree of sensitivity and empathy while handing the slip, but he is still the guy who’s doing the firing.
According to a 2015 survey by Chartered Management Institute, a London-based professional body, people find it easier to end a relationship than ask their boss for a pay rise. Two-thirds of the 2,000 workers surveyed across hierarchies said they were stressed if they knew a difficult work-related conversation was coming, while 11% suffered from poor sleep in the build-up to one; another 55% said they would do anything to avoid such a chat. There’s more: 43% of senior managers admitted to losing their temper during a difficult conversation, while 40% admitted to panicking and telling a lie.
What makes a difficult conversation difficult? Of course, there are emotions and stakes involved, but more than anything else, it can be a question of differing viewpoints.
“A difficult conversation is one in which the other person has a viewpoint that differs from yours...," says Difficult Conversations, a guidebook by the Harvard Business Review Press that aims to help people develop the skills to turn a tricky dialogue into a productive one. As it puts it: “Each of us has our own understanding of the facts. Our view is based on what we’ve experienced and observed from our own unique, and limited, perspective."
If you understand what makes a conversation difficult, discover what’s at the heart of the problem, listen and respond empathetically, manage the emotions involved and frame your dialogue accordingly, you can become a pro at defusing tense situations, irrespective of your position in the office.
Reflect before speaking
Difficult conversations are definitely tricky terrain, so tricky that most people would rather continue to put up with the problem than confront it. But what if your colleague’s behaviour is making it hard for you to meet deadlines? The key lies in knowing your goals and focusing on them, suggests S. Ramnarayan, clinical professor (organizational behaviour) at the Indian School of Business in Hyderabad. “There are ample distractions at the workplace. You must know what the big battles are. Don’t waste energy on trivial issues," he says.
The guidebook suggests that you ask yourself some essential questions: “Does my short- or long-term success rely on addressing this problem? How important is it, to me and to the organization, to improve the relationship or the situation? Is the issue affecting my ability to concentrate?"
Self-reflection gives you perspective, says Ashley Chiampo, learning director and chairperson of the Examination Board, which develops examination and assessment procedures, at the Emeritus Institute of Management in Singapore. “Whenever we meet a situation or person who bothers us, there is an opportunity to learn. ‘What is my colleague doing that I’m not doing?’; ‘Is he more efficient with his time?’; ‘Does he market himself well?’ Do some self-analysis to understand what you can learn from the other person."
Once you’ve decided that the conversation is needed, understand that a greater part of the battle would already have been won when you stop considering it to be “difficult". A change in mindset is extremely important, says R. Anand, global head (people practices) at software company HCL Technologies. “A difficult conversation goes well when you think of it as a normal conversation happening for the betterment of your work/project," he explains.
Building strong relationships in normal times is always a good idea, suggests Prof. Ramnarayan. “This makes it easier for you to be effective at the time of handling difficult conversations because of the rapport you already share with your colleagues."
Be clear, be happy
Needless to say, conversations should always be open and transparent. They ensure there are no year-end shocks, says Suvamoy Roy, director (human resources) at telecom firm Vodafone India. When it comes to employees, it’s important to communicate your thoughts and feelings so that your company can understand your needs, adds Chiampo.
This holds true even in small, albeit important, matters, like asking for leave. If you have a crippling backache or some mishap occurs, you would not be sitting in office. “In those situations, you don’t negotiate with your boss, you just go," says Chiampo. “However, there may be times when you want to take time off for personal reasons."
These situations are more flexible. “In such cases (when your presence is absolutely necessary), you should complete your assignments and then take leave. And remember to remind your boss and teammates of the sacrifice you made in this period (of rescheduling your leave)," she adds.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong in being open and clear about your thoughts and emotions at the workplace, but that doesn’t mean you should be too candid, says Prof. Ramnarayan. “There is an invisible code that needs to be followed to ensure utmost decorum in the office," he says.
Chiampo, on the other hand, believes that all offices should promote an open culture, where people can speak openly without fear of retribution. “You need to gauge the other person’s appetite for candour. Are they strong/courageous/mature enough to have an open conversation with you? Do be mindful of the other person’s approach."
Keep it flexible
It’s a good idea to try a mock conversation with a family member or another unbiased party to imagine and verbalize both sides of a hypothetical discussion, suggests the guidebook. “But that doesn’t mean you script the conversation," says Anand. “Instead, have a flexible tone that answers the questions in a clear, simple, direct and neutral manner."
A conversation is a free flow of words, thoughts and emotions, it can’t be staged, points out Prof. Ramnarayan. “Learn to suspend judgement and listen with an open mind. We often listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. It takes two sides to have a dialogue," he says, adding: “There are emotions involved and, often, these are not expressed (during a difficult conversation). That’s why emotional intelligence and mindfulness are also very important."
Anand agrees: “Be open to listening to your counterpart’s perspective. It will show your counterpart that you care."
Time it right
Before initiating the conversation, understand the importance of timing. For instance, it’s quite common for people unhappy with their annual appraisal to go immediately to their reporting manager. “When you first get the news about your increment, you are understandably going to be a bit emotional. You may be angry, depressed, or feel injustice. But this is not the time to go talk to your boss," says Chiampo. Give yourself a couple of days to absorb the information and then schedule a meeting, she suggests. “At this point, you’ll be in a calmer state to share your thoughts rationally and hear your boss’ point of view. And when you can dialogue better, you might just gain some valuable feedback about yourself."
But when and how does one go about telling the boss that you are finding it difficult to communicate, or get along, with him? The first step is to start communicating, suggests Prof. Ramnarayan. “You can start by proactively setting aside some time with him/her to better understand their expectations. Ask, ‘How would you define really good performance?’; ‘What do you want me to do differently?’ Give yourself a few days to reflect and formulate a plan that will address the discussed points. Then go back and ask for his/her support to carry out the plan. They’ll be impressed that you are taking charge of your development," says Chiampo.
Reflect after speaking
Congratulations! You’ve sailed through the difficult conversation. But before you relax, there’s one more thing you have to do—analyse the interaction. “Try to remember as many specifics as you can. Write down your impressions, starting with what gestures or exchanges you remember most vividly. Doing so will keep you moving toward solutions to the issue you’re facing and avoid going over the same ground during future encounters," suggests the guidebook. It is worthwhile to look back and understand what went well and what didn’t, what could have been said differently, and how others successfully cope with these situations, and emulate their tactics, says Anand.
Never avoid a conversation just because it is hard, says Prof. Ramnarayan. “You will not only save yourself from an issue turning ugly, but will also emerge as a better communicator and, above all, a better person."
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