Please find below the revised Corporate Laptop Policy Version 7.9. This will supercede all previous laptop-related policy documents or directives except the “Do not open CEO cabin suddenly when he is using laptop” directive of 2008.
Note: Employees of Grade 6 and above, in our branch offices only, will receive a new addendum, “Part 3: Replacement Charger”, to this policy that will supercede this original policy itself, from next Wednesday. However, you are still required to sign a copy of this document and send it to Corporate HR not later than next Friday.
It has always been this company’s policy to give its employees all the tools needed to perform their jobs with maximum efficiency. With this in mind we have been issuing laptops to several key employees.
However, it has been brought to the management’s notice of late that several employees have been abusing this facility. Last Tuesday, a laptop belonging to the internal audit team was repeatedly run through a paper shredder by mistake. (All members of the internal audit team have now left the services of our company due to personal reasons. Internal audit will henceforth be solely handled directly by the CEO and CFO.)
This behaviour is disappointing and detrimental to the company’s financial well-being. While contemporary laptops have become cheap, the new laptops currently being issued to employees were purchased in 1997. At the time funding for this required significant generation of “other income”.
In order to streamline things, changes have been made to the Corporate Laptop Policy with immediate effect.
• In order to avoid cases of theft and misplacement, employees will henceforth be required to take permission in writing from their local IT head before taking a laptop out of the office premises. A “Request For Laptop Externalization” form will be available in the server room. This form must be submitted at least three days in advance of requirement.
However, in case of emergency, employees can take the laptop with them WITHOUT a form, but must leave something of equivalent value with the security guard. Jewellery, imported watches, pens and children are acceptable as security.
Note: Terraces, balconies, and the underground parking area are considered to be OUTSIDE office premises. Management trainees please note.
• Excessive typing, clicking, touching and double-clicking have been seen to be a source of wear and tear of laptops. Maintenance costs have been increasing over the last six quarters. In order to apply better control over these costs, laptop usage will be controlled as follows:
Grades 3-1: Typing of up to 2,000 words per day. No right-clicking. One shutdown and start-up per day.
Grades 2-5: Typing of up to 5,000 words per day. No right-clicking. Seven shutdown and start-ups per day.
Grade 5 onwards: No controls.
Employees will be issued with right-click buttons ONLY after promotion to Grade 5.
• Mandating how long an employee may use his laptop is restrictive. And gives an unfair advantage to their colleagues using desktops, who are free to add value in office as long as they want to. In order to allow a level playing field, there will be no time restriction on laptop usage.
However, keeping long-term health and insurance costs in mind, employees are requested to restart their laptop after 12 continuous hours of use. During this break, employees may use desktops to avoid disruptions.
• All costs for minor laptop repairs—limited to: restarts, pressing Ctrl, Alt or Delete (not simultaneously), monitor cleaning, battery taking out and putting back in, power cord holding in one hand and shaking vigorously—will be borne by the company.
Any other costs over and above this must be borne by the employee.
• It is also possible to cause grave damage to the laptop through negligence and carelessness. We want to send a strong message to all employees regarding this. Therefore, laptop damage due to negligence will be dealt with severely as follows:
Liquids falling on machine: Barred from entering staff canteen on Mutton Biryani Wednesdays.
Machine falling in liquid: Immediate termination.
Monitor cracking less than 7cm in length: Three months’ suspension.
Monitor cracking more than 7cm in length: Immediate termination.
Up to 5 keys not working: Salary withheld for one month.
More than 5 keys not working: Immediate termination.
(Last two points do not include missing right-click button for employees below Grade 5.)
We are confident that this new policy, and the excitement of unexpected termination, will ensure a healthier, more responsible working environment for all employees.
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