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Dream policy

Dream policy
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First Published: Fri, Oct 07 2011. 06 00 PM IST
Updated: Sat, Oct 08 2011. 03 23 PM IST
Dear employees,
It gives me great pleasure to announce today that, after months of deliberation, we have finally decided to completely overhaul our corporate IT policy. And for the first time ever, this policy was NOT drafted by lemmings in the admin department.
We have listened to your suggestions. The admin lemmings have been forbidden from touching anything that uses direct or alternating current. Including their own computers.
Six months ago we asked you to send us full, frank and anonymous feedback on how to improve our IT infrastructure and usage policy. As CEO, I asked you to write to me personally. And I promised you a new policy within six months.
However, I had no idea that some of you would leak that email to the media or that a prominent business TV channel would profile me as a “groundbreaking kind of new CEO”. Subsequently, I have been nominated for “Berkshire Hathaway Remarkably Young CEO Of The Year 2011” award.
However, this enthusiasm to live up to my promise has nothing to do with the award or the judging process that is currently taking place in our head office. It is purely a corporate decision.
The following are the key elements of the new policy:
1. We asked you what you thought of the guys in IT Support. You sent me abuse in several international languages, including Punjabi. We have terminated our contract with the current provider. We have hired a new one. Under the terms of this new contract, IT Support staff must respond to queries within 15 minutes. In their response, they are only allowed to use the following terms: ‘yes’, ‘no’, and a time of day. Not one other word. Using the phrase ‘server mein kuch problem hai’ will lead to immediate termination.
2. The entire IT Infrastructure and Support function will be headed by a qualified manager. Unlike the current manager, his qualification will not be ‘has spoken to many people who have used computers, and can now switch computers on and off almost perfectly’. Our new manager will have certified IT qualifications and will be expected to keep himself up-to-date. On the first Monday of every month, he will be asked three random questions on IT. Poor performance will lead to termination.
3. We asked you what you thought of Lotus Notes. You copied and pasted your responses to my first question on IT Support. Got it. Henceforth, you will have a choice of several email clients. All officially purchased and licensed. This has cost us a lot of money. But we have compensated by firing everybody in corporate communications. I can handle Twitter myself.
4. In our questionnaire, we asked you what emotion was most evoked when you saw our website. The most popular response was: ‘syphilis’. Point taken. Our website has been taken down immediately. We have hired an edgy American firm to make a mobile and tablet friendly site that will truly showcase our heritage as the world’s best data transponster company.
5. Last week, I read our mobile phone policy in full. Clearly, this was originally written in some Eastern European language by Naxalites and translated into Public Sector English. That policy is no longer valid. We no longer care what phone you have or use. We will give you Rs10,000 every three years to buy a phone. Or not. Whatever.
6. We now have a simple new video conferencing setup. Employees will be able to dial-in from their homes and laptops as well. The old hardware, as requested, was dropped from the 17th floor, driven over with a car, and the crushed remains burnt with ceremony. Photos in my office.
7. So far, in this company, 3,000 employees have been sharing three Internet connections: Main Connection, Backup Connection, CEO Connection. Our speeds are terrible. This live broadcast of the Royal Challengers - Redbacks game on my laptop has been going on for three days. This nonsense ends now. I have installed half a dozen high-speed connections for the office. Everyone will have broadband speeds. What you do with the Internet is up to you. If you waste time I will eliminate you, not the Internet.
8. I have wonderful news about email attachments. This was by far the single biggest complaint. You can now send files of up to 25 MB in size without alerting IT Support. Larger files will require a quick five-minute sign-off. Please find attached a copy of Love Actually.
9. For years you have asked for a wireless office environment. The old excuses for not doing this were ill-informed: ‘What if you close the door?’, ‘what if people take some of it home?’ and ‘if it is invisible how will we put inventory sticker?’. Nonsense. We have wi-fi now. Check.
10. And finally all employees are now allowed to install whatever program they like on their phones, computers and tablets. No IT authorization is required. However, we hope you will do so prudently and legally. Some amount of gaming and entertainment is allowed. But do remember that we are adults and professionals.
P.S. Does anyone know what this triangular red bird does?
Cubiclenama takes a weekly look at the pleasures and perils of corporate life.Your comments are welcome at cubiclenama@livemint.com
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First Published: Fri, Oct 07 2011. 06 00 PM IST