Tiger in our backyard
A spoof on Tiger Woods' visit to the Delhi Golf Club
Santa: TW is in town.
Banta: Who?
Santa: Tiger Woods.
Banta: What! Really? Where?
Santa: At the Delhi Golf Club.
Banta: Wow! Let’s go watch him.
Santa: We can’t. It’s a private engagement.
Banta: He’s getting engaged at the Delhi Golf Club (DGC)? Of all the venues in the world he picks the DGC. Imagine that!
Santa: No, you idiot. He’s been invited to play with a select few. And to ensure that the invite didn’t come back with a regret, it was accompanied by a couple of million dollars.
Banta: Wow again! The best I get with my invites is Haldiram’s ladoos.
Santa: Ladoos are not good for Tiger’s muscles.
Banta: So, who’s he playing with?
Santa: Well, the invite and the incentive have gone out from Pawan Munjal (managing director and CEO of Hero MotoCorp Ltd). So, Tiger will play with him and his friends. Munjal sponsors Shiv Kapur, Anirban Lahiri and Sharmila Nicollet. They’ll play as well. It’s a private engagement.
Banta: That’s not fair! It’s not cocktails and dinner at the Munjal residence. Though I wouldn’t mind an evening there either. The DGC is not a private club and it is on government land. All Tiger fans and golfers should be allowed in.
Santa: You’re not Munjal’s friend. Tough luck!
Banta: Will nobody get to watch?
Santa: Yes, there will be quite a few.
Banta: Who?
Santa: Since it’s happening at the DGC, all club members are invited. Munjal is a Rotarian, so a whole lot of them have been sent cards but with strict instructions on “No photographs” and “No autographs”.
Banta: I don’t want either. I just want to watch him play.
Santa: No, this is a private engagement.
Banta: I hope the old fogeys at the DGC and the Rotarians get carried away and try and swing like Tiger. They’ll all end up with hernia.
Santa: Don’t be mean.
Banta: Don’t be mean! Tiger is coming to India for the first time. It’ll be a dream come true for the golfing kids to see him in flesh and blood, actually hitting golf balls. Young golfers will be inspired. There’s this youngster in Chandigarh who collects all TW caps and helps Nike pay Tiger bucket loads of money. He’s ready to run, fly or swim to come and watch Tiger play. All of them are being denied. I’m being mean?
Santa: You know, he was in China recently with Rory McIlroy at Mission Hills and both of them gave tips to a whole bunch of budding golfers. You should have seen the excitement on their faces.
Banta: There you go. What’s the point of some business honchos playing with him?
Santa: Well, these business guys like to win and this is their best chance to beat Tiger.
Banta: How can they ever do that?
Santa: These guys know the DGC like their boardrooms and the bushes are their friends.
Banta: Oh!
Santa: Pssst… I’ve heard that Tiger has been warned about the crowds in India. Apparently, he’s been told that they like to touch and grab.
Banta: But, doesn’t he like to grab?
Santa: Well, maybe he likes to grab but not be grabbed. He could also be particular about who he grabs or gets grabbed by.
Banta: Enough of this grabbing business!
Santa: There’s no media as well.
Banta: Why?
Santa: Here I’m in agreement with the hosts. The Indian media doesn’t know golf. What if some joker asks him if he likes to hook, or something along those lines? Could get uncomfortable.
Banta: You have a point.
Santa: I’m just thinking Munjal could turn from Hero to Superhero if he opens the gates.
Banta: What are you saying! He’s a quiet, dignified man. You can’t expect him to wear his underpants over his golf trousers and a cape. Besides, he doesn’t have time to fly around. He has motorcycles to make and dollars to earn so that he can get Tiger here again.
Santa: That bottle went down pretty fast. We’ll try our luck at the club gates in the morning.
Huge crowds at the DGC gates the next morning, among them Santa and Banta. Chants of “Hamari maange poori karo” (fulfil our demands) rent the air. An Aam Admi (AA) delegation arrives on the scene.
AA delegate: What’s happening here?
Santa: Sir, look at the injustice. Tiger’s inside, we’re outside.
AA: What! There’s a tiger inside. Aren’t you better off outside?
Santa: No, no. You don’t understand. I meant Tiger Woods.
AA: Really? I’ve heard he has great mass appeal. I want to meet this guy. Security, I demand that you open the gates.
People’s power prevails. The gates are grudgingly thrown open. Jai ho!
(Tiger Woods took part in an exhibition match at the Delhi Golf Club on Tuesday.)
Prabhdev Singh is the founding editor of Golf Digest India and a part-time golfer.
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Business NewsOpinionTiger in our backyard
First Published:5 Feb 2014, 09:01 PM IST
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