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Business News/ Mint-lounge / Features/  The gender politics of moving house
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The gender politics of moving house

What's a feminist to do when she is lucky enough to find a man who is good with tools and tape and nails and such, and she finds herself turning into a hapless girlie girl?

The toolbox can test your assumptions of liberation. Photo: Sohaila AbdulaliPremium
The toolbox can test your assumptions of liberation. Photo: Sohaila Abdulali

My fingers are bleeding, my back is sore, my husband is smoothly efficient and calmly working with his back to me. He deserves nothing but praise and kudos for his organizational and technical skills. I give in to temptation and stick my tongue out at his back.

Here I sit in a valley of furniture, surrounded by mountains of boxes, tape in one hand, knife in the other, “Fragile" stickers at my feet. We are moving! A hundred boxes to build and pack, and then…a hundred boxes to unpack and unbuild.

All of us who are part of a couple take on different roles at different times. For this move, a lot of my role was dealing with many of the people involved, bankers for mortgage documents, lawyers for contracts, agents for negotiations, former landlord for lease issues. And now that we’re moving, a lot of The Man’s role is organizing the minutiae of packing up one house and setting up the other. And he is great at it. So what’s my problem?

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

I can change a light bulb, perhaps even change a fuse, although I’m a bit fuzzy on what a fuse actually does. Something to do with AC/DC? I’m used to thinking of AC/DC in different terms. Current? Voltage? Circuits? And how on earth do I undo this pink plastic gizmo under the sink that we are going to take with us?

“Hey," I call out. “Let’s not forget the pink plastic-bag holder."

“Yeah, you need a Phillips screwdriver for that."

Now, I’m not such a princess that I don’t know what a Phillips screwdriver is. But am I good at using one? No. Do I run to get it and neatly remove the plastic holder, thereby getting us one step closer to our ultimate goal of leaving one nest and feathering the other? No. Instead, I sit around and get distracted wondering why Mr Phillips had two ‘L’s in his name rather than one (I don’t know, but I did find out, in case you’re interested, dear reader, that Henry Phillips was a businessman from Portland, Oregon, and after his invention, screwing will never be the same for any of us. Ponder that the next time you are in a compromising position).

Later, I’m busy taping up a box marked in code only we would understand: “Cookbooks, Bed Guys, Jig the Pig." Skrrrrch! goes the tape. I sit astride the box with the blade, feeling pleasingly macho as I press down. My true love walks by.

“Remember that that dangly bit at the end should be cut off. It can get snagged when the movers lift the box."

“Of course—I was about to cut it off." I stick my tongue out at his back again. To hell with the dangly bit! I’m all annoyed because he’s right, and also because that was a total lie—of course I wasn’t about to cut it off. I had forgotten all about the damn dangly bit yet again. And yes, I know my tape is not in a straight line. My tape wanders all over the box, while his tape is always in a straight line. I’m so happy one of us can tape boxes correctly, but I’m also highly irritated.

So here’s the thing: What’s a feminist to do when she is lucky enough to find a Man who is good with tools and tape and nails and such, and she finds herself turning into—well—a hapless girlie girl? There’s no rule that you have to know your way around a toolbox in order to be liberated, but it’s a useful skill. It’s scary how easy it is, for me at least, to forget about the dangly bits, knowing that The Man will take care of them. And I will admit that constantly sticking out my tongue at his retreating back is not the most mature way to cope.

How can I fault him for being all manly if, faced with a shelf, bracket, and electric drill, I immediately go all womanly and just want to lie down amidst the construction materials and read the new Maira Kalman book (it’s called My Favorite Things. Like everything else she does, it is sheer genius. Way more compelling than actually packing my real favourite things).

I want to be Superwoman, with an electric drill in one hand, a blowtorch in the other, and screws clamped in my teeth, but unfortunately I am just a middle-aged wimp with arthritic thumbs who wouldn’t know a spackle knife if it bit me on the butt.

My partner in life didn’t get all bent out of shape when I did the conventionally “manly" thing and figured out the mortgage (with more than a little help from my brother, who is in fact a man). I’m sure he didn’t stick his tongue out at my back. He is above such childish behaviour. He has no problem accepting that I am the family Cockroach Killer, Frog Catcher and Snake Subduer. So, when it comes to the shelf brackets and electrical cables and how to organize the kitchen cabinets, either I should take the trouble to learn how to do it, or be gracious that he does know what he’s doing and that it’s okay.

The true feminist here is The Man. He’s not worrying about what it all means, and whose gender dictates what role. He’s just getting on with it, while I freak myself out wondering what I would do if I ran into Mr Phillips and his screwdriver in a dark alley.

Sohaila Abdulali is a New York-based writer. She writes a fortnightly column on women in the 21st century.

Read Sohaila’s previous Lounge columns here.

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Published: 21 Feb 2015, 12:56 AM IST
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