1. When he admits that it was one line and that he saw it from a distance, ask him if it looked dangerous. Ask him if he got any on his fingers and if it was risky to be so close to a line of cocaine. Tell him that you’ve never met anyone who’s seen a real line of cocaine before and that you like to call it ‘snow’. List other things you have not seen like steak, golf clubs, World War 2 memorials, champagne and homosexuals. When he tells you that he’s had champagne, say really? Say this with your eyes wide and your lips parted. Allow your hand to fall on his upper thigh like a dropped handkerchief. Wait.
2. Call him Snowman but don’t say this out loud. Visualize lines of cocaine running through him. Then think of snow, remembering its key elements like coldness, its tendency to melt and the fact that it ultimately turns into water. Tell him you once saw a documentary on tar heroin. Open this conversation by saying, ‘hey remember when you saw that line of cocaine?’ Tell him that you thought tar heroin was made from tar and that you think it’s neat that ‘heroine’ and ‘heroin’ sound the same in American. Call yourself the Tar Heroine but do not say this out loud either.
3. Drink coffee decoction with a spoon while you both watch documentaries about drug addicts. When they show open-mouthed teenagers melting tar heroin over distracted flames, let the coffee slip down your throat. Feel your heart tremble and tell yourself that this is what doing drugs is like. Watch the documentaries intently and say things like ‘what a waste of life’, ‘drugs are so horrible’ and ‘that guy was surprisingly articulate for a junkie’. When he says he wants to stop watching, say ‘ok baby, ok’. Then say, ‘Tell me about you. Tell me everything.’ Keep the documentary on so you can see the junkies and their spoons when he tells you that he doesn’t speak to his father any more. Ask him about his grandmother and what he did during the holidays when he was a child. Trace the veins in his neck when he falls asleep. Press them gently and feel them bump back against your finger. Picture yourself standing inside his veins while a slow stream of black swallows your feet in soft mouthfuls. Write the words ‘Tar Heroine’ on the walls of his chest and feel the words bump back against your finger as you write. When he wakes up, unsure of what you are doing there, kiss him gently, repeatedly, until he falls asleep again.