Give them Vidarbha, Gorkhaland and Telangana. But give me (and people like me) Nirvana. Geographical location doesn’t matter. And since there won’t be too many of us, we won’t need too much space. I know we can’t have floating mountains and brilliant, multicoloured flying reptiles like Na’vi land in Avatar, but a sea view would be lovely.

The state of Nirvana will be defined by whom it doesn’t belong to. We’ll keep out the paanwallahs for sure (yes, even Breach Candy’s dapper Mucchad Panwala). No public spitters and shaggers allowed. So it’s no entry for all those men who surreptitiously rub their crotches as they lurk around couples in parks.

Street theatre: Telangana supporters at Osmania University, Hyderabad. Mahesh Kumar A / AP

No burqas or ghunghats. And we’ll keep out those who think sati was a way for a woman to prove herself in society (that’s most of Rajasthan gone). We’ll keep out Advani, Uma and Liberhan. And we definitely don’t want Modi. We’ll be happy to take Manmohan Singh if Khalistan doesn’t want him (but minus the Gandhis, please).

We’ll keep out The Times of India and all the celebrities associated with it. They can form their own republic of Glitterpur that is bound to be more glamorous and economically viable than ours. We’ll send them all the luxury malls and those who shop at them too.

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We’ll keep out the ageing actors who never stop playing teenagers. We’ll definitely keep out Sanjay Dutt. We can easily do without Madhur Bhandarkar. We’d love to take Yash Chopra, but not his love factory. We’ll take the cast and crew of 3 Idiots (with spouses).

We’ll keep out the drunken idiots who sit behind their four-wheel drives and blast their way through our narrow roads. In fact let’s keep out all Delhi drivers, the Marathi manoos (except Sachin, of course) and definitely most of my extended family.

We’ll keep out polyester and people who wear it. And while on polyester, we’ll keep out the Ambani brothers—let them slug it out in Jamnagarabad.

We’ll skip Indians who think it’s their fundamental right that the attendant of the public loo clean up their mess. And those who don’t flush can stay out too.

We can live quite happily without those who don’t see the flaws of modern India, and those who think it’s somebody else’s job to fix those flaws.

We’ll keep out rodents and cockroaches (but lizards are welcome).

Is Nirvana beginning to sound just a little boring? I’m ready to put up with all the quirks and irritants of India as it is today—but only if the southern boys who want Telangana do the same.

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