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Business News/ Opinion / Online-views/  Minority report | Leaning out
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Minority report | Leaning out

One more reason why the colour, shape and sound of women's rights must be taught in schools

Emanating from a society largely valuing tangible success and the multiple expectations families have from stay-at-home moms beyond the duties of motherhood seems to be the primary dilemma of the contemporary housewife. Photo: Pradeep Gaur/MintPremium
Emanating from a society largely valuing tangible success and the multiple expectations families have from stay-at-home moms beyond the duties of motherhood seems to be the primary dilemma of the contemporary housewife. Photo: Pradeep Gaur/Mint

Barely two weeks back, I reported a story on the new housewives of India to coincide with International Women’s Day. The interviews revealed the restlessness the term “homemaker" provoked in many women—a push and pull between their choices underlined by the craving to be recognized for their individuality. Emanating from a society largely valuing tangible success and the multiple expectations families have from stay-at-home moms beyond the duties of motherhood seemed to be the primary dilemma of the contemporary housewife.

Till last week in Mumbai, when I met a 46-year-old highly educated homemaker, who told me about the pressure her husband and children inflict on her to remain a selflessly serving person without ever bringing up her own thoughts. How her entire marriage and motherhood experience had been an exercise in erasing personal needs, even the need to be respected as an individual.

Sitting in a snazzy, modern café in Bandra over French toast and strawberry compote and aged Malabar black coffee, I had to remind myself that located in new, new India; our conversation could have well been one between two Indian women 30 years back. This lady, who didn’t want to be named, had come dressed in an ordinary cotton salwar kameez and slippers, clinging to a faux leather handbag that she refused to take off her shoulder even while we spoke. I barely recognized her in the first instance. Since I have known her all my life—she is a close relative and a dear friend—the stamp of debilitating anxiety on her face had changed her appearance.

Once a talented classical dancer and a front-runner in school with a highly coveted postgraduate degree, this then beautiful girl with long hair who had been raised to be “good at all costs" now only had stories about how her passive-aggressive husband made sure without ever raising his voice that she did exactly as he wanted her to. How her three children treated her like their never-tiring life assistant. How her in-laws (she lives in a joint family), expected her to serve them through the day, rebuking her every time she mentioned her own ageing parents. How she had come to accept this dull life of hers without allowing the desperation to surface or to even become loud in her head.

New housewife, Mumbai, India, 2014. A reality check. Since she seldom ever reads newspapers or watches TV, she had little idea about who was contesting the elections, the difference between Bharatiya Janata Party’s (BJP’s) Narendra Modi, Aam Aadmi Party’s (AAP’s) Arvind Kejriwal or Congress’s Rahul Gandhi. Nor did she pitch for any favourites between Kangna Ranaut, Ranbir Kapoor and Ranveer Singh. She couldn’t remember the last film she saw, the last new restaurant she had eaten at, the last holiday they had all gone for as a family. She shrugged, offering no comment on anything, saying she was too busy. “I have to go and drop my husband to his office most days, pack lunch boxes, do groceries and household chores," she said.

“Drop your husband?" I asked, confused.

“Yes, ever since he fractured an arm, he feels less flexible; so I carry his bag to his office, return home, do the household work, till it is time to pick him up again," she went on.

More details would only make this story a theatre script but the question I had for her, and for myself, was whose responsibility was it to change this situation? Must the woman not stand up for herself without challenging the existing structure of her role as a housewife or should family members—particularly the husband— take ownership for this state of hers? The ideal sociological response would be “both". A psychological counsellor would perhaps enable the pursuit of a two-way solution, while urging the woman to “stand up" for her rights. A feminist would be rightfully enraged while a spiritual guru may teach the path of karmic acceptance.

I came away upset. Questions about parents raising girls to be “good", telling them that the ability to adjust was the best quality they could bring to a family after marriage, teaching them why rebellious mothers are bad examples made me feel cold and confused. The many years of reporting stories of fundamental change and feminist conviction had made me overlook the throttled yet seemingly “settled" lives of so many such women amidst us.

Even as I was cautioning myself about not getting emotionally mixed up, a phone text beeped up at 2.30am. “Don’t worry about me and don’t tell anyone. I am happy and devoted to my family. This is the only way I want it," she had written.

One more reason why Indian schools including urban, English medium ones may need to teach the how and why of women’s rights as a compulsory subject for boys and girls. To make a charter of rights, should someone confuse them with duties.

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Published: 21 Mar 2014, 12:21 AM IST
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