Dear Raj Thackeray,

Hope you and all the Marathi manoos (or is it manooses?) you directly and indirectly employ are well and ulcer-free. I know you’re a busy man (you work so hard every week to come up with at least three new creative rules to live and play by in your Mumbai) but your last googly really made me wonder about your neeyat (intention).

Talking of neeyat, most people I know saw the recent Amitabh Bachchan film Teen Patti because of the song by that name. Am sure you saw it on Star Majha? Hot Brazilian model Maria Gomez with the kind of body you only see in South America rubs herself against Bachchan and assorted other stiff Indian men, one or two of them possibly Marathi, but I couldn’t tell for sure (not all manoos look as dashingly Marathi as you).

Was it an embarrassing, involuntary reaction to the song that inspired you to announce yet another rule for Mumbaikars? No foreign dancers in Hindi films.

If I understood what you said correctly, you’re fine if actors from other countries star in films such as Lagaan and Mangal Pandey as the evil white British guys but you want Hindi movies to steer clear of global seductresses because you’re afraid they might turn out to be terrorists?

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Also, when you said you wanted roles for more Marathi junior artistes, did you mean that you want to see more Maharashtrian item girls in our films? Did Rakhi Sawant complain that she’s not getting enough job offers post her swayamvar? Why don’t you just do what other politicians do and call in a favour or two. If the film industry survived gangster Abu Salem promoting Monica Bedi in Hindi films, it can surely survive a couple of recomanoosdations from you.

And attacking director Mahesh Bhatt is so been there, done that. Why on earth would you want to “lay your hands" on Bhatt’s thick skin?

Indo-Brazil meet: Gomez and Bachchan.

Now we all know you don’t want to waste your time building boring old schools and hospitals for your community (and Balasaheb already did the ambulances thingy), so I won’t even go there. I say, be different. If you are as interested in the arts as you seem, why not focus on reviving Lavni?

Forget Bal Thackeray’s maha aartis of the 1990s (and by now we all know that despite your tough guy act, you don’t really believe in violence against Muslims)—you could disrupt traffic and, simultaneously, position yourself as the most artistic mandude in town.

Think multiple street Lavni performances where you force all north Indians to understand the beauty of Marathi culture. You could be the man who once again restored Lavni to its original beauty—a folk art form that uses dance, acting and music. The Marathi manoos would love you even more.

Anyway, there are more ideas where that one came from. Like starting a national campaign to convince Marathi mulgi Madhuri Dixit to come back to Bollywood. Let me know if you’re getting my drift.

Your friendly Bombay girl.

PS: In case you’re wondering, the answer is yes. My family is from Pakistan.

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