BackThe Dork’s Oscar diary
How Sidin Vadukut’s Robin Varghese sat through the Oscar broadcast and fell in love with Adele
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6.13am
NO TIME TO STAND AND CHAT DIARY! OSCAR BROADCAST HAS ALREADY STARTED AND I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER IF I HAVE STAR MOVIES AND THE TENSION IS COURSING THOUGH MY VEINS.
7.34am
The day India has a cable TV company that is not exclusively manned by people who have donated their brains to medical science is the day this country will achieve its true potential.
I phoned up the call centre and was connected to a person called Deborah. I asked her to immediately activate my Star Movies channel. She said ok and cut the phone. Within just 15 minutes I had access to thousands upon thousands of high quality films…but purely in the Oriya language. She had activated some random channel and that too in a language that not even most Oriya people speak.
So I called back, and this time I was connected to Catherine. However, I have no doubt in my mind that this was also Deborah. As soon as she picked up the phone she asked me how I was enjoying exclusive access to high-definition Oriya movies. (They make HD movies in Orissa?)
Anyway, 30 minutes later it turns out that Star Movies was already active on my TV. It was lying somewhere far away next to DD Sindhi or something.
TIME TO ENJOY THE BIGGEST NIGHT IN THE WORLD ENTERTAINMENT CALENDAR DIARY!
7.36am
I got my time difference wrong. The Oscars are tomorrow morning India time. Going to sleep.
7:02am
Looking at some of the red carpet photos. HAHAHAHAHAHA DIARY HAHAHAHA.
This is Western celebrity? This is what they are fighting to protect from Islamic fundamentalism? Terribly disappointed.
That Hunger Games girl is looking like she lost that game. Anne Hathaway’s tailor is quite possibly blind.
Only George Clooney’s girlfriend was worth the hungama. Whatay goddess.
I envy George Clooney. If I was born and brought up in a more risk-taking society which did not frown upon things like film and acting… who knows?
Outstanding Nivea advertisement with Anushka.
7:12am
Why are men singing and dancing on stage? What is wrong with America?
7.43am
Life of Pi just won back-to-back awards for special effects and cinematography. Diary you should see the movie. It is a truly uplifting story of the power of human imagination and creativity. I plan to see it next week.
8.20am
I am sorry if this upsets your creative side diary, but I don’t get the idea of giving awards for short films and documentaries. What is the incentive for people to make long movies then?
That too they get full-size statues.
If I was Spielberg I would just break Lincoln into 20 pieces, release one piece each year and win 20 Oscars. (This is what Walt Disney did.)
At least give a shorter trophy or something no?
8.32am
Goldeneye was the best Bond song of all time.
8.50am
I cannot tell you how much I hate movies like Les Miserables. The moment I see those old costumes…this is why I was initially very very reluctant to go and see Pazhassiraja. But Pazhassiraja was meaningful.
I hope it wins nothing at all and people stop producing movies like this.
I also hope that Anne Hathaway does not win a single thing. Irritating woman.
9.12am
I don’t want to talk about the Best Supporting Actress fraud.
9:43am
If you have to thank so many people for your success then why are you getting the trophy boss? Give it to them no?
Boring.
9.50am
Life of Pi wins best music. What is the big deal right? But I think the music director’s wife and children are Indian. Awesome.
9.52am
I am beginning to get Adele. Adele is one of those women you think is not your type—heavy set—but somehow you feel drawn to. Diary, do you remember Geetha in Indrajalam with Mohanlal? Something like that.
Gauri keeps on saying how Adele and Meryl Streep and Barbara Streisand are the most beautiful women. Basically anybody who is not actually hot. Typical.
But Adele…not bad diary. Not bad at all.
9.55am
Jaldi karo yaar…
I don’t even understand half of these jokes. But people on Twitter are rolling on the floor.
10.01am
Daniel Day-Lewis’ wife also looks a little bit psycho.
10.12am
Michelle Obama is the complete woman diary. I can’t think of a single thing wrong with her. Not one thing. And I have been thinking for a long time now. You know that she is the kind of empowered, independent, capable and free thinking woman who would have achieved success even without Obama, and inevitably married somebody rich and powerful.
10.29am
Argo has won Best Picture. Everyone seems super surprised. But not me, diary. Not Robin Varghese. Ever since I saw the trailer two weeks ago I knew that this was a movie poised for greatness. An American team acting like Canadians in Iran to rescue hostages…diary this is real imagination. How do they even think up of these things?
That host fellow is singing again. Suffered him for so much time. One more chance?
10.30am
Horrible. Do you think that Anushka ad will be there on YouTube?
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