Booty Patooti Bootcut Pants

Shapewear. Sometimes, you just can't help it. These pants do the trick though.

The context 

Shapewear makes this woman sigh. I mean, has it really come to this, Bridget Jones? The way to control all the wiggly parts is through an unnaturally tighter garment made of textiles that sound like chemical compounds rather than plain old cotton? 

It is both so stale and a saviour. But I guess that there comes a point in a woman’s life where there is no choice but to wriggle into these Spandex like straps. No matter how many crunches a woman does, no matter how much she squats, there comes a time where her body refuses to cooperate and simply gives up. 

The bumps and bulges stubbornly stay put while the inexorable pull of gravity causes body parts to shift perceptibly downwards. Women's shapewear was born out of this desperate milieu. 

The fantasy 

Women’s shapewear is essentially a shortcut. You pull on an undergarment that squeezes waist, thigh and everything in between with the determination of Mrs Kuriakose, your third-grade P.T. teacher. The goal is to press and massage your middle so that it doesn't bulge out like an idli. Yank on a pair of shapewear pants and suddenly, you are as shapely as Angelina Jolie—after she has eaten a thousand idlis. Not thin but at least shapely. 

The reality 

Gyms may sell exercise as an idea and a lifestyle. Heck, you may have bought into this mindset. But any gym regular with an ounce of self-awareness will admit to the sad truth: working out isn't fun. It is a necessary chore to attain a difficult result. 

For women and, in particular, new mothers who are sleep deprived, running behind toddlers, adding a visit to the gym involves squeezing more hours from the day than perhaps exist. 

Women's shapewear deals with self-inflicted pain. Just look at the masochism inherent in a leading brand, Spanx (spank who?). Most shapewear is not just constraining but almost takes prides in constricting you to the point of breathlessness. 

The product 

Hold Your Haunches takes a lighter approach as evidenced by the names of its products. Sleek Cheeks leggings have nothing to do with the chubby cheeks on your face. Booty Patootie Bootcut pants might remind you of Tutti Frooti ice cream but they attempt to give your body the opposite effect of eating ice cream. 

Two women with three children each took their regular walk one morning and complained as women are wont to do about how they struggled with looking good in little black dresses. The result was not another invention of a little black dress but a shapewear version of a garment that more women wear: pants and leggings. 

The Booty Patootie Bootcut pants aren’t easy to put on. First, you slip them on like socks, then you pull them up like stockings and then you jiggle and sway like you are trying on disco lights, then you smooth them over like you are wearing a sari or a dress. The end result though is a clean line in your bottom parts, a line so straight that Matisse would have been proud. 

The compression garment is inside the pants and holds it all in. The top layer looks like a normal pair of pants. They are sleek enough to wear on casual Friday and at home. Once you get them on, you can go through the day in them. 

The details 

The pants are available for $139 from https://holdyourhaunches.com/booty-patootie-bootcut/ 

The verdict 

Wear these pants on a hot summer’s day and you will sweat like a pig—and reduce your water weight, which may well be the point. During the rest of the year though, these compression pants will take you through the morning school-bus stop socializing where all the moms and dads are dressed in their svelte Puma pants and look ready to pump iron, to the evening wine bar where you can saunter in looking fit, tight and ready to exhale—only that bit is doubtful given how tight these pants are. 

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