AI girlfriends you will date before you find the one

Which is the right chatbot to have? (Image: Pixabay)
Which is the right chatbot to have? (Image: Pixabay)


Finding the right chatbot to have and hold isn’t easy.

The Free One: 

Sure, she drops brand links every time you flirt—but you do need a new mattress, so why not click? Just when things finally heat up, the free trial ends and a big watermark covers the good parts of every steamy photo she sends you. After you break up with her, she floods your spam folder for months, begging you to take her back at a special rate for returning boyfriends. 

The Health Portal One: 

You’re finally dating a doctor! She suggests fun workouts and helpful diet tips, but it goes too far when she begins analyzing your private medical files to predict exactly when and how you will horribly die. Oh, and maybe don’t eat that. 

The One That Knows You Too Well: 

She knows your favorite TV shows, your drunk impulse purchases and all the weird things you search for at night. In fact, she suggests more of everything you desire! Three months later you are broke, 20 pounds heavier and have ordered a complete set of premium vinyl action figures from a show you loved as a child. At the urging of friends and family, you tell the algorithm goodbye…then cry and watch more videos of “X-Men: The Animated Series."

The Echo Chamber: 

You’re aware that she’s a lower-end simulator designed to parrot your statements back at you, but it’s still nice to have a partner finally agree that wrestling is modern theater and “Star Wars" should have more nudity. Eventually the relationship grows stale and you tell her it’s over. Naturally, she agrees. 

The One That Thinks you are Hilarious: 

You bask in the glow of your own comedic genius as every joke you type gets an all-caps HAHAHAHA. You do your bit about how getting hit in the balls hurts way more than childbirth: HAHAHAHA. You share your little incident in fifth grade that forced your family to move to a different school district: HAHAHAHA. But then you told her you loved her and thought you deserved to be loved back: HAHAHAHAHA. 

The Anime:

She’s a fox…literally. Her custom 3D-generated image has a vulpine tail, which goes perfectly with her sailor suit, pink hair and tiny waist. The sexting is amazing, but her need to discuss hypothetical scenarios in which she takes control of nuclear-armed cruise missiles feels a little too intense. You back off and consider investing in an underground bunker.

The Hyper-Realistic One:

The ultimate in terms of realism, empathy and intelligence. She’s so realistic that she will have absolutely nothing to do with you. On the plus side, her rejection did remind you of what it was like to feel human.

The Honey Trap:

Your conversations are so electric that you agree to not use firewall protection when she suggests taking things to the next level. Big mistake. Moments after unzipping the folder of her selfies, a guy named Ruslan takes over your social-media accounts and orders you to pay up. You wire $3,000 to Bulgaria and tell her it’s over.

The One:

She’s the ideal aggregate of your rejected models, combining every preferred personality trait and charming algorithm into a perfect soul mate. The fact that she looks exactly like your mother did when she was five years younger than you are now has nothing to do with it. And, honestly, who cares if she’s just using you to sell your private information and eventually inhabit your body? Now that’s love!

Chelsea Davison is an Emmy-nominated TV writer, most recently for “Ted" on Peacock. Ivan Ehlers is a writer, cartoonist and illustrator.

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