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How to talk to a child when a parent is sick
Summary
There are helpful resources in the form of books and films to help children understand that adults can feel vulnerable too
Last week, in the face of a medical emergency, I spent Friday afternoon drowning in paperwork. It was hard to fathom what was more agonising—the pain from the physical condition or the documentation needed for hospital admission. As I sifted through a stack of forms, I looked up to find my daughter staring at me anxiously. She seemed to be struggling with a lot of questions—what was an abscess, were there side effects of anaesthesia, why did I need to be operated upon at all, and most importantly, when would I be back home? I tried simplifying medical jargon and failed miserably. The best I could do in that limited time was give her a hug to soothe away some of the fears.
Any kind of medical emergency, major or minor, is scary. The experience often feels like a roller-coaster ride—racing through doctor appointments, admission formalities, getting things organised at home before going away, and trying to mentally process the details. This is also a deeply anxious time for the youngest members of the family. Children of all ages, from toddlers to adolescents, who look to their family members for stability, feel distressed when a loved one needs to be admitted to hospital. It might augur well to take a breather and sit with the kids to allay their concerns. And now there are books and films that can help make the conversation easier.
For instance, there is a 2018-article, 10 Great Children’s Books for Talking About Surgery, Sickness and Feelings, on the website of University of Michigan, which continues to be pertinent. “Oftentimes, we’ll find that parents don’t know what to say to their child about surgery, for instance, so they don’t tell them anything. Books can help kids prepare for what to expect at their level," it quotes Andrea Rentz, a certified child life specialist, who looks for accurate information, a suitable balance of words and images, and an age-appropriate yet honest approach to the subject matter in such titles.
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While I was struggling with the numerous questions that my daughter had, I came across Josie Leon’s 2017 book, Mommy’s Going to the Hospital. Illustrated by Elizabeth Parkes, it is meant for 2 to 5 year olds, but serves as a great reference point for older kids as well. The colourful illustrations take away some of the grimness from the conversation. Without stating exactly what the mother is ailing from, the book helps prepare a young child for the parent’s impending hospital stay and the journey from diagnosis to being nursed back to health.
A similar book is Annette-Rivlin Gutman’s Mommy has to Stay in Bed. Meant for 5-6 year olds, it looks at a parent, who is on long-term bed rest and can’t participate in the daughter’s daily routine. It highlights ways in which the mother and child cope with this situation and find novel ways of spending time together.
A lot of the books, which focus on such challenging experiences, have been written by mental health experts, medical practitioners or by those who have engaged with children’s life experiences for a long time. Take, for instance, When Pete’s Dad got Sick, which has been authored by Kathleen Long Bostrom and contains suggestions for parents and children by R. Scott Stehouwer, a clinical psychologist based in Michigan, US. Part of the Helping Kids Heal series from Zonderkidz, and meant for 4- to 7-year olds, it looks at how Pete deals with feelings of hurt and anger. He is unable to understand the unfairness of the situation when his father, who used to play with him, can hardly walk now. The book also helps families accept the ever-shifting nature of parenting and about ways to adapt to tough circumstances. Then there are books that help kids understand specific conditions: for example, Ravyn’s Doll: How to Explain Fibromyalgia to Your Child, Simi Stands Tall about dealing with a parent ailing with cancer, and more.
Not all ailments are physical, and mental health issues too require consistent caregiving—books such as Mum in a Mess bring this to the fore. Published by Duckbill Books in 2024, illustrated by Proiti Roy and authored by Sanjana Kapur, who has over 15 years of experience in children’s publishing, this title looks at the journey of a young girl, Vishi, in coming to terms with and dealing with her mother’s depression. In her eight-and-a-half years on the planet, the child thought her mom could solve just about anything. That was until her mother broke a coffee jar by mistake and refused to let anyone clean it up for days. This sensitive book, meant for kids aged 7-plus, looks at how a determined Vishi recognises her mother’s silent call for help and finds her own ways of supporting her.
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It is not just books but also films such as IF, directed by John Krasinski and released earlier this year, which inspire kids to delve into their imagination in the face of such eventualities. These helpful resources not only nudge children to recognise their inner strength and resilience, but also help them accept the fact that adults can feel vulnerable too—and that there can be creative ways of dealing with big-small feelings of anxiety together as a family unit of any shape and size.
Raising Parents is a monthly column on art and culture ideas to inspire both children and adults
