Lounge
‘I am bored’ need not make parents recoil in horror
Summary
Rather than over-scheduling pre-teens’ days, leaving free time makes them more creative
Last week saw the release of Inside Out 2, sequel to the successful Pixar film, which released nine years ago. The newest instalment takes forward Riley’s journey, who is now a pre-teen. And once again, we get immersed in a world of emotions—Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear and Disgust—that control the feelings within her. Only this time, new entrants, Anxiety, Embarrassment, Envy and Ennui, vie for the control of Riley’s mind. Orange-tinted Anxiety takes over as the pre-teen tries to fit in at a hockey camp. A dialogue from the film—conveying Riley’s struggles with growing-up pains—hits real hard: “Maybe this is what happens when you grow up. You feel less joy."
I also watched the third season of Kota Factory 3. Shot in black and white, the series mirrors the monochromatic lives that teens lead while preparing for competitive exams in Kota, a city known for its coaching centres.
It’s been difficult to get Inside Out 2 and Kota Factory 3 out of my head. How does a child’s life go from being vibrant and colourful to monochrome in a matter of a few years? If I had to imagine the workings of the adolescent mind, it would be a constant whirring of nuts and bolts—an endless routine crammed with classes, extracurriculars, co-curriculars, enrichment sessions.
As a young mother 11-12 years back, I read numerous parenting books and subscribed to various blogs on child development. All prescribed unstructured play time for toddlers—letting them take their own time to achieve their milestones. However, few talk about a similar departure from structure for pre-teens and teens. A lot of children in this age group are trying to figure out what they want to do, while also grappling with physical and emotional changes. How important is it then for families and caregivers to allow the child some breathing space?
Also read: This summer, let kids take charge of the holiday
“I am bored." These three words are any parent’s nightmare. Nothing—and I mean nothing—that you do, can entertain a child in the age group of 12-15. And perhaps, therein lies the problem. Somehow, we as adults have assumed the burden of keeping a near-adult engaged. A common refrain during summer vacations from parents is that nothing keeps their kids busy. “I keep sending her to classes—from swimming to watercolour painting—but nothing interests her. And I don’t even know what her interest is anymore," says a Gurugram-based friend, who is a mother to a 12-year-old girl.
To get the other perspective, I spoke to a teen in class IX, who complained of exhaustion even during a break. His father had drawn up a schedule of daily workshops all through the vacation: dumpling folding, pasta making, robotics, football camp. And even when they went on a holiday recently, his dad scouted for local workshops that would keep him engaged. “I like maintaining a scrapbook of local flora. I have even looked up cyanotype techniques that I could try at home. However, my father keeps quizzing me on which flower is of which subspecies, and how the local climatic conditions and geology impact its growth. I understand acquiring knowledge is important, but sometimes I just need to be. This constant quizzing has really put me off my hobby for now," he says.
Radhika Nair, a Mumbai-based clinical psychologist, says as parents we need to stop recoiling in horror the minute we hear the phrase, “I am bored". “By micromanaging every minute of the day for them, we are not raising children who are autonomous, who know what to do with themselves. When they are bored, they look to us to give them an external stimulus. They are not confident in their own decisions of what to do with their time, and this will lead to under-confident adults, who will look to someone else to either take decisions for them or validate their decisions," she says.
Also read: Schooling children to be mindful content creators
As parents laden with work, perhaps, creating this kind of structure for a teen eases our mind. However, it does not seem to be working. Maybe instead of giving them an external stimulus, we should just suggest external resources that can help—books, blank journals, free-to-use digital design tools, online platforms to share quizzes with friends, and more, that can help them express their internal selves from time to time.
Recently, I took my daughter and a couple of her friends out for a couple of hours. The idea was to do nothing. We found a mammoth grove. At first, the kids looked at me quizzically about the agenda for this trip. When they got no response, they wandered about aimlessly. Soon, each found something that caught their attention. My daughter climbed the tree up to the hollow to feel the texture of the wood and see the play of light within it. One child imagined all possible horror stories that could be set in the grove. Another just sat under the tree and simply stared at the sky. She said it “recharged her grey cells". But more importantly, after ages, I was watching these adolescents run around aimlessly, gurgling with laughter at the smallest of joys.
I think today’s parenting is highly influenced by the hustle culture that we live in. A minute spent not doing anything is considered a moment wasted. Nair has observed that her clients, aged 24-25, feel guilty at having spent a few minutes watching a widget or a reel. “They love it but feel guilty about having wasted that time not being productive. And we are passing on this feeling on to our kids. We are seeing a lot of burnout in pre-teens," she says. Canadian-Hungarian psychotherapist Gabor Mate has said that you are never too old to play. Play is the most holistic form of therapy for children, and has a positive impact on their physical, cognitive and emotional health. It teaches them skills to cope up with everyday life," she adds.
Also read: Why ‘kidfluencers’ need to focus on their mental health
We live in precarious times, with structures within a child’s life—familial and societal—crumbling down. The world is already beset by conflict, and children are seeing divorces, deaths and upheaval in personal lives. In such a scenario, how will they grow up as resilient individuals if they don’t learn to find their own rhythm within this fluidity? That is where unstructured free time helps—it helps them make sense of their internal and external worlds. So, take a break yourself and give the child one too, and maybe we will help nurture a generation of adults, who haven’t lost sight of joy in their lives.
Raising Parents is a monthly column about art and culture ideas to inspire both children and adults.
