How we define ambition shapes our lives

One of my favourite questions in therapy sessions is to ask clients to define what ambition means for them. It’s a question that has fascinated me for years.

I have recognised that it’s a fallacy to believe that everyone defines success, happiness or ambition in the same way. In fact, the more we understand the lens and the stories that shaped people’s ambition, the better we get at connecting with them.

Having started work in 2005, what ambition means from a gender lens has changed significantly over the years. I still hear women in therapy sessions tell me how being seen as ambitious gets in the way of dating, partnered relationships and friendships. When men choose careers in the arts, social change or fields not traditionally associated with males, people often judge them as lacking ambition. This in turn leads to a dichotomy where ambition is often perceived as either good or bad.

Our limited and narrow definition of ambition can lead to biases and myths in how we see ambition. One of the biggest myths is seeing ambition purely from a career perspective.

Our professional lives and careers are part of our ambition, but I see ambition as being much bigger. It extends to how we live, how we want to engage with the world, the kind of life we want to build, our relationship with money and the impact we want to have with our work.

At its heart, ambition is about a certain drive, passion and striving towards what you define as your goal and then working towards it in a way that aligns with your values. This ambition could be the pursuit of excellence in one’s work, being the best in a field, recognition, fame, money, or bringing change in the world.

If we choose to not be open and curious about what ambition means for others, we can miss out on the goals, meaning and the values people are attributing to their ambition.

I was about eight or ten years old when I made up my mind to be a psychotherapist. I recognise that my father’s illness and frequent hospitalisations shaped my career choice and my lens of ambition. I felt my only goal was to create a safe space where people could talk, share their fears, and be listened to. I remember my mum telling me that if you have listened, offered hope and impacted one person’s life, that’s enough.

As I write this, I wonder if sometimes our biggest unmet needs fuel our ambition. A client of mine says she came from a family where getting even two meals a day was a challenge and her ambition has been to make money so she can eat what she likes and when she wants.

Another client mentions how she was raised by parents who believed that the only way to be successful was to be the best in one’s line of work so that’s what striving needs to be. While everyone who is ambitious is achievement driven, it’s not necessary that everyone is competitive.

How we define achievement and the outcomes we look for are very subjective. Our ambition can include what kind of a parent we want to be and also what kind of a caregiver we want to be when our parents or pets are ailing.

Society often forgets that a large part of our life is determined by these values. In therapy, I often remind clients that how their career has progressed is a function of many factors, including organisational dynamics and the ambitions they exercise in their personal lives.

A good question to ask ourselves is: What are your ambitions—regarding personal growth, career and relational life at the stage of life you are in?

As I have gotten older, I have come to realise that my father’s illness for over two decades gave me an ambition for life that goes far beyond my career.

Sonali Gupta is a Mumbai-based psychotherapist and author.