The attention crisis: Why modern relationships are struggling

As a therapist I have been observing how our relationship with attention has been changing over the years. Attention has become scarce when it comes to intimate relationships. I see this as a moral fracture of our society where attention is scattered or barely present in relationships.

Loss of attentive presence has become part of society’s fabric, and while we aren’t acknowledging or talking about it enough, it’s shaping who we are and how we navigate relationships and the world we inhabit.

Clients often say they feel unseen during conversations with friends, family and partners. They are competing with devices to reclaim space in their loved one’s lives.

Attention has always had a sacred quality that can soften people and allow them to feel safe. In my teen years, I recognised how attention that is followed by an intention to understand is a gift. Whether it is experienced verbally or non-verbally, it serves the function of soothing.

A 22-year-old client recently said that acts of attentive presence which feel like love are becoming rare. Everyone is buried in their phone or struggling with their own anxieties. We are moving towards a broken society where the qualities of attention, generosity, and the ability to offer complete focus are slowly eroding. I worry whether people have become anaesthetised to this, and wonder why they are okay with crumbs of attention.

Attunement and connection are two of our core needs and the basis of both is attention. This explains why people are disconnected, lonely, helpless and disillusioned as the basic needs that make us human are being ignored. What we choose to focus on and how we seek connection is rapidly changing and it’s scary.

Clinical psychologists and researchers Julie and John Gottman, pioneers in couples work, discuss a concept called “bids for attention”, which they describe as a verbal or non-verbal attempt, gesture or touch to get a partner’s attention and validation. It directs the lens toward the partner. In today’s world, sharing memes is a love language in itself—the images and pictures shared have become new-age bids for attention.

Does the change in our language have something to do with our shorter attention span? When “rage bait” was declared the Oxford Word of the Year 2025, I wondered if the word was a result of our new behaviours. We feel we are not seen and heard, and as a result, something worded to incite becomes a way of garnering attention. Similarly, when I see people trying to take pictures of artwork, food or sunsets, it seems to me, they are trying to catalogue every beautiful moment to capture someone’s attention.

While we are becoming more focused on our own needs, we forget that receiving attention in an intimate relationship requires holding space for the other person. Our relationships deepen when attention is reciprocal. When we are attentive or immersed, thoughts cease and our capacity to be present in the moment is enhanced, which can offer an experience of flow, both in the context of work and conversations.

We can learn to pay more attention and work on what it takes to build capacity for it. I schedule a few minutes every day to keep the phone away and sit idle, which has been deeply nourishing. The simple act of watching my breath, meditation, the practice of going for a walk without the phone has helped build this muscle over the years. Choosing to put notifications off when in presence of friends, family also helps. Mono-tasking and paying singular attention while speaking to someone over the phone or working on a document has helped me in staying focused.

I see our ability to offer attention as an act of moral responsibility that we owe to the young generation and to people who we meet and interact with on a regular basis. Maybe the secret to building an attentive world lies in mindfully working to increase our attention span and become more attuned to others’ needs. If we embody this change, it can give others an opportunity to offer the same to us.

Sonali Gupta is a Mumbai-based psychotherapist and author.