Brené Brown's advice for dealing with toxic bosses and workplace emotional chaos
Move past reaction and blame and learn to access a state of emotional groundedness that grants you clarity and mastery over chaos
Halloween is upon us, but in case you fancy a quick scare any time of the year, simply log in to the “Indian Workforce" subreddit on social media platform Reddit. It’s open season for sociopaths—365 days, 24x7.
In the last week alone, I have scrolled through some chilling nuggets, such as a manager accusing an employee of playing the “woman card" because she had taken time off to look after her father who is ill with cancer; another employee complaining that their boss hounds them on the phone every time they get up from their desk while working 9+ hour shifts from home; and a techie, who went beyond his call of duty to correct mistakes made by a rookie colleague only to get fired by the start-up he works at, while the colleague in question got a promotion.
In the topsy-turvy world of work—not just in India but around the world—such behaviours are far from uncommon. Theoretically, L&D and HR functions exist to address and eradicate these toxic traits. Yet, even as generations of leaders roll along, very little seems to change for the better. I have known bosses who were champion yellers, compulsive micromanagers, and couldn’t speak a sentence without an expletive in my 20-year career. If I ran a poll on LinkedIn today, chances are I’m confident I will still find a new generation of workers talking about such types 20 years later.
Which begs the question: Why are so many people emotionally dysregulated in the workplace? And how come they get away with such glaring misdemeanours?
Recently, I have been reading writer, social worker and motivational speaker Brené Brown’s new book Strong Ground and, despite my reservations about her work, I have been finding answers to some of these questions in it.
For over a decade, especially since she gave her viral Ted talk on vulnerability, Brown has focused on studying, as she puts it in this book, “how emotion and thinking drive behaviour in organizations". Her quest has given rise to more TED talks, several bestselling books, and built her “Daring to Lead" brand, which brings together themes of courage, fear, coaching, and other human skills that comes together to make rounded leaders.
In spite of the strong qualitative focus of her research, Brown’s analyses are driven by data, much of it acquired through her first-hand experience of conducting training sessions for big corporations. Many of her detractors have called out the irony of a social worker with a PhD enabling high performance culture for MNCs, instead of focusing on more urgent issues of injustice that these companies inflict on society. Be that as it may, there is merit in trying to build more robust systems and processes for entities that are ultimately in control of much of the world’s economic future, whether we like it or not.
The key message of Brown’s clarion call—Dare to Lead—rests on behaviours like “authenticity", “courage", and “vulnerability." Her insistence on these living values, to the point of making them a part of a universal law of transformative leadership, doesn’t necessarily go down well. Reading her, it may seem like there is an Erin Brockovich hiding inside every cowering worker, waiting to come out and avenge themselves on big bad corporations. But being authentic and vulnerable is a privilege not everyone can afford. Especially if they belong to historically marginalized, disenfranchised, and discriminated communities, or have the burden of looking after dependents, or have their health insurance tied to the toxic job they have been yoked to. Life isn’t a Hollywood blockbuster.
Yet, to give credit where it’s due, at her sharpest, Brown has some practical and actionable frameworks to offer, as well as an expository style to explain them to the lay reader, cutting through the noise and making clear sense. Take, for instance, “The Above/Below Line Practice" she introduces in this book. It is a tool meant for emotional regulation, based on related models created by behavioural experts and writers like Robert Kiyosaki, Carolyn Taylor, Stephen Karpman, and David Emerald, among others.
The idea is simple but powerful. The eponymous line divides our negative responses into two parts—above the line and below the line—and signifies fear. “When we’re above the line, we feel fear and we acknowledge it," Brown writes, “and we’re not unknowingly acting from it." In other words, we are afraid but also in the driver’s seat, moving with the awareness of the feelings we are acting out of this fear. In contrast, “When we’re below the line, we’re acting from fear and our behaviours are mostly outside our awareness," she adds. “Fear is driving [us]."
When we react to people or situations from below the line, our tendency is to either act like a hero (“I’ll do this myself as no one can do it better than me"), a victim (“No one understands me"), or a villain (“Someone needs to take the blame for this mess"). In comparison, being above the line brings out the challenger (“How can we fix this mess?"), the coach (“How can we avoid making these mistakes again in the future?"), or the creator (“We need systems that support people, instead of making them feel mistrustful") in us. It’s a simple reframing exercise that can make a world of difference to you and others around you.
So, the next time you feel like you’re about to have a meltdown, don’t sink below the line. Instead, rise above it and confront your fears gracefully.
Work Vibes is a fortnightly column on ideas to help you thrive at what you do.
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