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From weekend fights to emotional distance: Navigating common couple conflicts
Summary
Taking responsibility for feelings and clearly expressing concerns to partners is the first step in resolving a dispute
A 42-year-old client tells me, “Every weekend we end up fighting so much so that I have begun to hate Saturdays. I fear that my partner and I will get into a squabble over something inane and it will spiral into something massive that’s impossible to solve. It’s exhausting and what’s worse is that these fights end up spoiling Sunday, and by the time we resolve matters, the weekend is over and we are back to work."
A lot of couples bring up this concern during therapy sessions. Most couples know how the weekend evokes emotions and conflicts and yet find it hard to break the pattern.
The weekend is when people give themselves permission to pause, examine things and as a result, issues which were not addressed during the week rise to the surface and lead to a conflict. Over the years, new client referrals and people reaching out are at their highest during the weekend.
Also read: How to be a better listener
One of my observations is that a lot of fights happen between 8-11pm on weekdays, generally post dinner. This is when people are overwhelmed, tired and operating at very low patience and stress tolerance. As a result, fights assume a charge and intensity, which leads to small issues becoming big.
When we are dealing with a lot and don’t communicate our concerns and needs to our partner, then the smallest of things can be perceived as a sign of being insensitive. Our irrational belief that our partner should be able to gauge exactly what we are feeling comes up in moments like this. Sometimes anger that is felt in relation to other life concerns may show up as a tantrum that is directed towards the partner. This leads to conflicts escalating, with unmet needs still not being communicated properly.
As adults we need to take responsibility for what we are feeling and build spaces where we can tell our partners our concerns and needs—whether it’s the need for sharing the load, more empathy, less judgement, intimacy or even greater engagement. Failure to do so in a timely manner can lead to simmering resentment and emotional distance.
Some key concerns that most couples fight over are intimacy, finances, absence of engagement, concerns around children/parents/in-laws and lastly, difference of opinion about time spent on gadgets. Conflicts about finances and intimacy are never really about money or sex per se, and go much deeper in the context of power, responsibility and autonomy. Having said that, fights can become nasty when money or sex become a sore point, and most couples argue about these issues whether they acknowledge it or not.
Family dynamics in relation to how one wants to engage with parents and in-laws, and differences in parenting styles are also a reason for conflict.
In the last decade, I have noticed that couples often talk about a pattern of addiction or obsession in relation to social media and gadgets. This is evident in people watching content back-to-back and mindless scrolling. There is no scope for engagement or turning towards each other for connection.
The reality is that all of us are at risk of choosing soothing via devices. Therefore, actively choosing to make time for deep engagement with a partner and offering one’s attentive presence are a responsibility that lies with us.
Conflict resolution in partnered relationships requires turning towards our partner, according to John Gottman, author and pioneer in couples work. It also needs a desire and intention to actively improve communication and develop guardrails that help us break our existing patterns and navigate conversations with a lens of empathy.
Also read: Use self-soothing techniques to cope with difficult feelings
Every couple fights but finally it boils down to how we fight, and most importantly, how we resolve these conflicts.
Sonali Gupta is a Mumbai-based psychotherapist. She is the author of the book You Will be Alright: A Guide to Navigating Grief and has a YouTube channel, Mental Health with Sonali.
