Lounge
The slow death of conversations that matter
Summary
As we increasingly substitute screens for human connection, we risk losing the art of meaningful conversation
As a therapist, one of the themes I have been hearing from clients who are largely in the age group of 32 to 80 years is how there seems to be a slow death of conversations that allow for emotional depth. Clients across gender mention how they feel so empty and disconnected even after meeting close friends. I also have witnessed how the texture of conversations has changed over the years, how often we engage with strangers has also shifted. The dwindling attention span that people bring to conversations as their attention keeps shifting due to the ongoing notifications on their devices makes connection harder. Often at airports, doctor’s clinic I see people staring into their phones, not maintaining eye contact with co-passengers or even smiling at another patient waiting for a doctor’s phone. I feel saddened when I see family members at a restaurant not talking to each other and being buried into their separate phones.
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It feels like a loss, I often wonder how many stories, experiences never got articulated or were lost because we didn’t create a shared space where conversations should take shape
As a therapist and someone who enjoys knowing people, I do see travel or even a visit to the market as an opportunity for conversations which can turn out to be meaningful, a window for connection and even healing in ways we can’t even imagine.
I enjoy micro-interactions whether it’s with the vegetable vendor, a stranger who’s looking for directions to a store, a child sheepishly smiling and being happy as he/she walks with their parent. These are such precious moments, even though they may last for few seconds they evoke warmth, sometimes a shifting of mood, possibilities for eye contact and then also possibilities for stranger love, a space where conversations can emerge over time and a quality of deep presence. Few days after my father-in-law’s death, I remember going to the market and the vegetable vendor looked at me and said, “Didi, you look tired – is everything okay?" I felt deeply touched and seen – also knowing that a question which came so much from a place of care was healing. I told him about my father-in-law’s loss and then he shared about how his dad’s death had left him feeling hollow and, in that moment, it felt that there was deep empathy and this feeling lingered for days. This vulnerability, shared meaning and even suffering sometimes allows us a chance at meaningful connections and a new way of seeing the other person and our own experiences too.
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Clients also tell me how so much conversation now with friends and family has changed and how we are more often than discussing stuff we see on social media. Discussing some of the trends, social media topics feels superficial and takes away from a dialogue about the more personal and humane stuff. A 47-year-old female client mentioned to me, “I have become more quieter in conversations now with close friends too, as I don’t want to have a commentary on what’s happening on social media. I want to focus on knowing what’s happening in my friend’s life and want to talk about what I’m struggling with. But I think we have confused the virtual world as the real world and moved further away from our real lives and emotions. The nuance and grey spaces have disappeared."
If you are experiencing this feeling – I understand and can imagine how lonely and isolating it can feel. The narrative of seeing short snippets of people’s life – on social media is leading to an idea of false intimacy. When it’s far from knowing what happened, the deep connection happens when we listen to people with attentiveness, feel the tenderness as they are talking and hold space where the asking of questions allows for deeper dives. At the same time, when people choose to ask questions with a desire to listen, openness and curiosity, a certain gentleness, eye contact – the magic of connection begins to emerge.
If there is a goal you want to work towards – then begin by building spaces that allow for meaningful, deep conversations which is a secret to our social fitness.
Sonali Gupta is a Mumbai-based psychotherapist. She is the author of the book You Will be Alright : A Guide to Navigating Grief and has a YouTube channel, Mental Health with Sonali.
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