The death of the best friend

Six months in, and I am still looking for the One. Sometimes ulterior motives spoil the mood. Often interests match but schedules don’t. A change of job routine hinders interactions. In many cases, geographies become too difficult to navigate. Finding friends in adulthood can be tricky simply because of logistics.

Plus the idea of a friend for all seasons no longer applies. Over the years, friendship, as a concept, has become more fragmented, especially among millennials and post-millennials. While ticking off boxes on the daily to-do list, the busybodies, in the 20-40 age group, are looking for friends that can fit into different parts of their life. Like a friend for the gym, a friend for Netflix binge-watch night, a friend to discuss office politics with, a friend for a pub crawl, a friend for pep talks, a friend to call only when a problem arises. If a mutual vibe or an interest helps establish a friendship, convenience ensures it flourishes. People no longer seem as interested in keeping all their emotions in one basket of the so-called best friend. In fact, the idea of the 3am friend fed through sitcoms like Sex and The City and Friends, and movies like Dil Chahta Hai and Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara, seems dead.

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So then, in such a demanding world, how do young adults find meaningful friendships?

That’s one answer I searched for while working on my “find a friend" project, which later expanded into a journalistic pursuit of figuring out what friendship means in the post-pandemic world. Over two months, I spoke with 45-odd strangers—in the 18-40 age group—outside colleges, in pubs, fine-dining restaurants, gyms, shopping malls, in the Metro, in taxis and on social media, asking them what it takes to make and maintain friends in a world where AI companions are also on sale. Their answers had an underlying theme: a vibe match; and only a handful believed in the idea of a best friend, or a 3am friend, or someone they were 100% open with.

There’s no official country-specific data, research or survey to indicate whether there’s been a perception shift towards friendship. But Manoj Kumar Sharma, professor of clinical psychology at Bengaluru’s National Institute of Mental Health & Neuro Sciences (Nimhans), offers some insight. The change in how people started looking at friendship, or bonding, began over a decade ago, “when we, as a society, became more individualistic, and less community-led, and our online (essentially social media) engagement became so high that we got comfortable with spending time alone. And these two things fast-tracked during and after the pandemic," says Prof. Sharma. “We started looking for people who weren’t necessarily very close to us but fulfilled our needs at certain points in time. Even if we lose friends, the shock or denial that once used to follow doesn’t happen now as much, because we get distracted easily. Of course, some people get emotionally affected, but the trend largely is that people see friendship as what fits into their life as per convenience."

A 2019 global friendship report by social media app Snapchat concluded that Indians, on average, have six best, or close, friends, more than that of people in the US, the UK and Germany. The finding was based on a survey of 10,000 people, across ages 13-75; there hasn’t been a similar survey since.

“Most of our patients (aged 16-20) now say they have only one or two friends, and they are okay even if they don’t have one since their free time is getting filled with screen time," says Prof. Sharma, who is also the coordinator of the institute’s SHUT Clinic, which helps people deal with technology-based addictions. “And even if people are looking for friends, they are mostly searching online."

The role of tech

If you ask dermatologist Rahul Sabharwal, 39, dating apps are the place to find friends. He became convinced last year after a Bumble date ended up being a good friend. There wasn’t any romantic spark, but the “vibes" matched, recalls Delhi-based Sabharwal. They recently celebrated one year of friendship over coffee.

Since separating from his partner two years ago, Sabharwal has been trying to find ways to fill the lonely hours between work and no-work with friends who don’t quiz him too much about the past. Besides apps, he regularly opts for real-life meet-ups.

We met for the first time at one such meet-up event in July. Earlier that month, I had come across Instagram posts, where platforms were advertising a service that included bringing together a group of strangers, all thoroughly screened and from different walks of life, over a meal with a big promise: finding connection. Banking on the growing loneliness epidemic, such “date with strangers" events are mushrooming across the world. Intrigued, I paid ₹2,500 for one such dinner, and met nine people, including Sabharwal, over a big Italian spread on a Monday.

A few glasses of wine and selfies later, all the strangers, in the 20-40 age group, opened up. They wanted what I was looking for: platonic relationships where each person felt equally respected and appreciated. A lawyer, for instance, said she was looking for friends who don’t reach out to her only when there’s an in-laws problem or a professional crisis. A marketing professional wanted to get away from the clutch of “manipulative work-besties". A homemaker desired a circle of “girlfriends she could travel the world with". A tech entrepreneur wanted new friends in a city away from home.

“You don’t need a best friend anymore...that just sounds so demanding," Sabharwal announced towards the end of the evening, as if speaking on behalf of others. “I just want someone to match my vibe with." Everyone nodded, exchanged numbers and left.

Making and maintaining friends during young adulthood wasn’t easy even before the pandemic. Grown-ups have long struggled with trusting new people. In today’s streamlined life, where me-time and individualism are celebrated, people are more willing to put themselves out there in the reel world than real.

One of the reasons a friendship flourishes is good old proximity. “You want to able to hang out with friends in the same city you are in; it’s just more convenient. You can’t sit and wait for your childhood bestie to come to your new city and then go out," says Bengaluru-based Arouba Kabir, 37, an emotional and mental health professional, friendship coach and the founder of mental health company Enso Wellness. “Technology has made us lonelier but it’s also opened us up to so many options that we feel we need, not want, a different friend for every need. Earlier friendships used to happen more organically; now people first check the vibe and then the location."

Catch the drift

What friendship means depends on the person you are asking. For a second-year college student in Kolkata, a friend is someone you can enjoy everyday life with. A friend can function as a life coach for a mid-level financial consultant in Hyderabad. It can simply be a person you share your daily life with on a call at the end of the day, as a cartoonist in Chennai put it. For a group of lawyers enjoying a post-work beer in a Mumbai bar, a friend is someone they can make weekend plans with and occasionally have heart-to-heart conversations. A group of Delhi businesspersons defined a friend as someone you call up at 7pm and meet for a late-night drinking session.

According to Balram Vishwakarma, 30, a friend is a mix of all the above. The Mumbai-based cultural commentator and ethnographer, who runs the Instagram meme page andheriwestshitposting, follows a strict tiered approach when it comes to making and keeping friendships. Tier 3 is for colleagues, acquaintances and individuals he sees once a month or at least makes plans to hang out with. Tier 2 is for close college friends and work besties who he meets regularly. Tier 1 includes his mother. “The most I am open with is my family," says Vishwakarma. “But they also know only a part of me. There are days when I put my feelings on Reddit because I don’t feel like sharing them with anyone in person."

Vishwakarma is among the majority of people I spoke to who don’t believe in the idea of a best friend. He likes to change friends every three years. “Pehle friends tukke se bann jaate the (friendships used to happen by chance earlier)," he says. “Now internet gives us so many options that we are forced to look for that person who matches our vibe, has similar interests, lives in the same locality, makes time for us, and listens to us—a unicorn," he laughs. “I think that’s why I am unable to keep up long-term relationships. For today’s generation there’s an Insta filter on friendship as well."

That’s something Prof. Sharma also points out. While being individualistic is good and it saves people from being too emotionally dependent, too much of such a behaviour can take away the ability to form lasting bonds. “We aren’t looking for advice anymore from people in our community, which was the case when I was growing up. Today, we have some sense of the answers to our problems; we just want people to listen to us and move on. It’s all fine in the short term, but there might come a point when we won’t know how to stay in relationships for long," says Prof. Sharma, 52.

He considers his five schoolfriends his best friends and regularly talks to and spends time with them. “With generations, ideas of relationships do evolve, but the presence of technology and the fast pace of life have changed the dynamics completely."

It’s a bitter truth. There are only a few hours in a day to tend adequately to the tabs open on the laptop/mobile phone and people who mean something. That’s a reason friendships have also become transactional. “There’s nothing wrong with that," insists Kabir. “When you have limited time, you will reciprocate depending on the attention and affection you get."

Tackling loneliness

Bengaluru-based Saurav Arya, however, finds such an approach concerning. The 39-year-old believes loneliness is on the rise because people don’t establish deeper bonds. Research supports that. A 2021 study, published in the Psychological Bulletin journal, for example, says people are feeling lonelier than ever, especially in young adulthood, a time traditionally associated with more social interactions.

Two years ago, Arya, a mechanical engineer from the Indian Institute of Technology-Kharagpur, started Small World as a platform to bring people together through real-life meet-ups. He claims thousands of people have since signed up for different experiences across the country, from pottery classes and pub crawls, to discussions on singlehood, open-park picnics and tote-bag painting workshop—all with the same hope, making a connection.

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“Many who come (professionals aged 21-35) are new to the city and are seeking new connections. Or they are just lonely," says Arya. “They are looking for IRL (in real life) connections because they understand you need such bonds to thrive in life, but for some reason, they aren’t ready to put in that much work." Asked if he has a 3am friend, Arya says no.

The growing desire among people to connect in real life reflects in the slow rise of platforms across the world that are selling traditional IRL experiences with the use of technology.

Much like the “date with strangers" service I went to or Saurav Arya’s Small World, Suhani Bothra’s Xcited Club offers people a chance to relive their childhood in a park. The 22-year-old founded the club close to a year ago. For ₹150, you can join a group of people in a Delhi park on a weekend afternoon and play childhood games like chain-chain and relay race. To ensure you feel like a kid again, the organiser hands out toffees towards the end of the meet-up just the way school birthdays were celebrated.

“We go out, eat at an aesthetically beautiful café, click aesthetically beautiful selfies, return to our house, and then discuss over phone what hashtags to add—that’s what hanging out has become today. In the attention economy, we are making friends on the basis of aesthetics," says Bothra, while explaining the idea behind the club. Through her platform, she wants to give youngsters an opportunity to live a “carefree-free life of the early 2000s out in the open." Most of the sign-ups at Xcited Club are people aged 22 and above.

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Unlike Arya, Vishwakarma and Sabharwal, she believes in the idea of a 3am friend but doesn’t have one. “I’m an introvert?"

Making someone your best friend can be asking for too much. Imagine being someone’s stock-market person, stylist, go-to hashtag expert, health and career coach all at the same time—it’s a lot of burden for one person.

“Back in the 1990s, when the world was smaller and options were fewer, you had a select few people who were your everything, from an agony aunt to a financial guide," explains Kabir. “Now people are willing to go to a counsellor for relationship advice; the stigma is more or less gone. The world is becoming self-reliant and that’s not necessarily a bad thing."

For the long haul

If finding a friend needs proximity and a vibe match, then what does it take to build a reliable friendship? For starters, spending time with them physically. A 2018 study, published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, in fact, put a number to the hours needed. Casual friendships emerge at 30 hours, good friendships after 140 hours, and best friendships not before 300 hours, Jeffrey Hall, director of Relationships and Technology Lab at the University of Kansas, US, decided in his paper, “How many hours does it take to make a friend?"

After the friendship emerges, you need to be able to express your deep thoughts and emotions with them, suggests Prof. Sharma. Then, you need to continue showing up. In other words, meet regularly in the real world.

Koyal Chengappa, 32, strictly follows the last part. Her latest ritual is carrying a gift whenever she’s meeting any of her friends. “It could be something as simple as a flower; I just want them to know that I care for them," says the Bengaluru-based graphic artist. “I think that’s my way to keep the friendship spark alive."

Much like the majority of people I spoke to for this story, Chengappa also has different friends for different needs, be it career discussions or relationship hassles. Some are part of a “tall girl group" on Instagram, where they discuss the good and bad of being over 5ft, 8 inches tall. “We regularly share memes or instances where someone made fun of us because of our height," says Chengappa. “It gives us a sense of community." This entire group hasn’t met even once.

Besides spending time and sharing emotions, another strong pillar of a friendship, old or new, is consistency—something most millennials and post-millennials, at least those I spoke with, aren’t too keen on investing in.

Except Sumit Soni, a 21-year-old who’s setting up his Jodhpur-based family jewellery business in Delhi. After joining the Xcited Club a few months ago, he started volunteering for the platform. In the process, he’s made a handful of friends who get together in-person whenever their calendars align. Besides them, Soni has one ride-or-die schoolfriend, who he’s been meeting regularly at the same spot and at the same time for about five years.

“I have a strict friendship policy: Whatever happens we won’t use social media while spending time together. Social media has ruined the idea of friendship," he says. “I don’t post any picture of my vacations or night out with friends. I just want myself and those who are close to me to live in the moment."

To many, Soni’s no-social media policy would seem extreme. Or Rahul Sabharwal’s recent desire to find an AI friend a bit too much. But that’s where the answer lies to the question that led to this project—how do young adults establish meaningful friendships? By making an effort. Like any other relationship, friendship, too, needs effort, from finding to flourishing and maintaining.

But at a time when people don’t care about having too many close friends or, in some cases, any friend at all, does an individual’s effort count for anything? “Humans are wired to look for social connections. Even if friendships are becoming fragmented, transactional or needs-based, we are still seeking quality relationships," says Prof. Sharma. “That will, hopefully, never stop."

A day after our conversation, Soni texted me: “We aren’t as busy as we think. It’s just about priorities."

That priority could be anything—taking out time for parents while juggling work and Pilates sessions, planning a beach vacation, finding friends to chill with, or looking for the One. All it needs is a bit of effort.

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