Here's how to host stress-free Diwali parties
Learn to ask for help, be mindful of your own energy levels, and know what to ignore and when to use humour
A 38-year-old female client says she’s feeling overwhelmed by coordinating the logistics of the two pre-Diwali parties she’s hosting. “I’m having sleepless nights thinking about how much is to be done, despite having staff and knowing what exactly to do." A 29-year-old male client is nervous as his parents will be spending the Diwali week with him. “I’m glad I get to spend this occasion with them, but I’m also anxious. They will comment on how I have put on weight, how my child doesn’t eat enough and then they will have the television on at a loud volume."
While both clients value spending time with friends and family, they also described anticipatory anxiety, dread and a sense of losing control when preparing for social gatherings, hosting events, or accommodating house guests. Therapy sessions before any festive season are often filled with what can be understood in the context of “hosting fatigue" and “guest stress syndrome". These terms are not a diagnosis; they offer a vocabulary that can help us understand the stress of hosting and family dynamics.
My experience in therapy is that women are more likely to bring this up and worry about how it’s impacting their overall well-being. When people experience such stress, it shows up in the form of overthinking small details and spending ages replaying various scenarios in their head. A friend told me that when her family is coming over, the planning exhausts her because she wants it to be perfect for everyone. She spends days thinking about it so much that often when the guests are around, she doesn’t end up eating much. The pattern of overthinking is often fuelled by an ineffective, irrational belief that everything needs to be perfect.
This self-induced pressure can become a breeding ground for irritation, self-scrutiny and a feeling that one is not good enough. Learning to recognise if one is being irrational is a good step that can help us slow down. It keeps us from engaging in a pattern where we feel “wired and tired". Most importantly, it makes us become mindful that we may be overdoing the cleaning or the menu planning. I ask clients if tables were turned and they went to someone’s house, would they have the similar expectations of perfectionism. This exercise often helps them pause, reflect, and be kinder to themselves.
There are times when our friends or family can be picky, demanding or critical. It’s important as a host to learn the art of filtering feedback, know what to ignore and when to use humour. Sometimes having guests over can feel like a full production, so learning to ask for help, delegating and being mindful of your own energy levels is crucial. If you have a tendency towards people-pleasing, an inability to say no, or a belief that you can cater to everyone’s needs at all hours, then it’s important you ask yourself how you may be coming in your own way.
Priya Parker in her book The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why We Gather, uses the term generous authority. She writes, “Generous authority is not a pose. It’s not the appearance of power. It is using power to achieve outcomes that are generous, that are for others. The authority is justified by the generosity." As hosts, learning to exercise this can help us with setting expectations. We also need to remember that adults know how to self-soothe and entertain themselves, so one doesn’t need to carry the pressure of being a host at all times. And finally, knowing that things will go wrong at the last minute and trusting ourselves to work through it will allow us to be a good host and also enjoy the process.
Sonali Gupta is a Mumbai-based psychotherapist. She is the author of You Will be Alright: A Guide to Navigating Grief and has a YouTube channel, Mental Health with Sonali.
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