The comfort of age-gap friendships

I have a few other friends separated from me in age by 15 years or more. In these intergenerational friendships, I have found great humour, sensitivity, wisdom and energy. In turn, I believe they enjoy my carefree attitude, treating them like any other friend with whom I can share life’s ups and downs.

Intergenerational friendships, by definition, are friendships between people who belong to different generations—with at least a 15-year difference. In essence though, these are fuelled by the same things that establish peer-age friendships: reciprocity and shared interests. Its hallmark is the exchange of perspectives and life experiences. It can prove to be an antidote to the growing social isolation and loneliness we see all around us, especially among younger people who are more active online than in real life, and among the elderly whose social circles tend to shrink over time. Studies show that social interactions between younger and older adults are beneficial as both experience better physical, cognitive, emotional and psychosocial-mental health, and younger adults display more positive attitudes towards ageing.

A 2016 Stanford University, US, report titled How Intergenerational Relationships can Transform our Future sums up the importance of such relationships: they help ensure that the young “receive the kind of attention and mentoring they often lack.... These relationships also offer older adults opportunities to learn about new technology and trends, and experience the excitement of seeing the world through a younger perspective." In other words, younger friends rely on older pals for guidance, and vice-versa. A two-way street where vibes match.

Breaking stereotypes

While it is common to have acquaintances who are considerably older or younger, it is less frequent to find a certain equality in a relationship between those separated significantly by age. Research shows that we tend to flock together with those similar to us, also known as the homophily principle. “People usually get segregated on the basis of their age. It is tough to break that barrier and meet and connect with people of different generations," says Delhi-based clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Nisha Sachdeva. This can limit our attitudes, interactions and experiences, whereas more diverse connections help broaden our views.

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“We give too much importance to age in our society; anybody who’s even 10 or 15 years older automatically becomes a didi, an aunty or an uncle. That’s one of the reasons you don’t see too many intergenerational friendships. Parents stop kids from having friends outside their peer group. What we don’t realise is that we can have multiple deep friendships—with peers, where we learn how to navigate life together, and with those older or younger to get a new perspective on life," says Bengaluru-based Arouba Kabir, an emotional and mental health professional, friendship coach and the founder of mental health company Enso Wellness.

“Having friends from different generations could be one of the big answers to the growing loneliness around us."

One of the easiest places to mingle with different age groups is the workplace. Architect and interior designer Suhela Verma, 29, works at Gurugram-based Homework Design Studio run by Shagun Singh, 46. Their professional relationship paved the way for a close friendship over the last two years. “Suhela and I got along from the very first project, when we looked at each other in reaction to something the client said and knew we were thinking the same thing. Our post-work balcony sessions over a drink at my house built our friendship organically," says Singh. It makes being the boss tough at times, says Singh, but they have found their balance.

Verma credits Singh with drawing her out of her shell. “I was shy and under-confident when we first met, but seeing Shagun’s professionalism helped me imbibe some of that confidence." Their opinions and approach to life are distinct. “But I think hearing my views on, say, her college-going son helps her see things differently and calms her," says Verma.

Beyond work, hobby groups are a great place for age-diverse connections. Tilottama Shome, 53, and Jonathan Marques, 38, met at a music group in Delhi a decade ago. “Art is a great catalyst for close friendships," says Shome, an architect-turned-brand management professional. “We joined a few people on early morning walks around monuments," says Marques. During a visit to the Qutub Minar complex, with others, they spoke at length about history, music, food, travel and their personal lives. Their close friendship has continued despite Marques, an avid permaculture gardener and musician, moving from Delhi to Goa in 2019. They speak at least once a month, regularly text, and meet every few months in Goa. “From enjoying the local alcohol (Marques makes his own urak and feni) to bonding over food, it’s always an enjoyable time together," says Shome.

For Marques, being at different life stages makes their connection eye-opening. “It’s refreshing to discuss something different than I would with friends my age." Shome treasures Marques’ openness: “I find it special that he has that comfort to share things about his life that he may find difficult talking to other people about."

Marques and Shome’s friendship demonstrates a key aspect of social connection—finding a sense of purpose. “You’re not just receiving from a friend, but also giving. This sense of being needed, and to be able to give to another impacts well-being and mental health," says Sachdeva.

Verma’s friendship with Singh helps her imagine what life could look like over the next few decades. “As I move forward, there are many learnings I want to incorporate from Shagun’s experiences, and some things I wouldn’t." It’s helped change her perception of ageing. “Just because Shagun is older, she doesn’t think she knows more or knows enough. She always wants to know what is happening, whether how to use a new software or sign up for chair dancing classes with me."

This is what makes intergenerational friendships beneficial, says Sachdeva. “As one ages, one may feel disconnected from what’s going on externally, and a younger friend could be that bridge to the outside world. For the younger person, an older friend could be a role model perhaps, learning from their experiences and mistakes."

Social media often cocoons people in their own worlds, but it also connects people across generations. Hyderabad-based counsellor Chhandita Chakravarty, 45, connected with Dr Altamash Alam, 27, on Facebook a decade ago. After discovering a Humans of New York Facebook post about someone struggling to fit in, Alam decided to form “The Socially Awkward Conversationalist Club" Facebook group in 2015. Chakravarty, who was going through a rough patch, joined the group. “Altamash was a young student in Kota, rigorously preparing for his medical entrance exams. Despite the age difference, a deep and unexpected friendship blossomed between us," she recalls. Alam’s cheerleading and belief in her, particularly in convincing her to study law and psychology after marriage and kids, helped her pursue degrees and become a counsellor. “Thanks to his encouragement I’ve tried several things like scuba diving and trekking."

Their connection has endured despite living in different cities and Alam, who is now based in Giridih, Jharkhand, no longer being active on social media. They speak, text and meet. Alam believes that intergenerational bonds offer perspectives you might miss within your peer group. “It’s like getting a glimpse of life through a more experienced lens, which helps you navigate your own journey with more insight and understanding," Alam says. “With Chhandita, I learnt to understand emotions and feelings in a deeper way, developing an empathy for people that I’m not sure I would have grasped without this friendship…. We might not always fully understand each other’s world, but that doesn’t change the essence of the friendship."

Manjari Chaturvedi, CEO of Healthy Ageing India (HAI), a non-profit promoting dignified and active ageing for the elderly, has observed that attitudes towards ageing in India are shaped by traditional social norms that people should “take rest" after the age of 60. “There is a social mindset that it is acceptable to see this decline in activity, physical health, and productivity," says Chaturvedi. One often assumes that people are a product of their times, their perspectives and preferences predictably coloured by their background, upbringing and age, a stereotype that cross-generational friendships can break. In other words, learn that the old are not always sedate and the young not always immature.

It’s complicated

Intergenerational friendships come with their own share of conflicts and complexities, polarising viewpoints and misunderstandings. It can be frustrating when a friend does not always comprehend your life stage. “Altamash does not, obviously, understand my world fully. Some things people need to experience to understand. I also do not and cannot take the place of his same-age peers," says Chakravarty. For instance, being a mother is something Alam does not understand, she says, or the fact that she is physically unable to do some activities, like skydiving, because she has tachycardia (a faster than usual heart rate). “But he keeps encouraging me and gets frustrated when I don’t try." She appreciates his youthful optimism and support, but feels his “positive thoughts can overcome anything" has its limitations.

Not spending time with one’s peers can also leave one out of touch with the reality of one’s life stage, be it career, earning potential or relationships. Kabir shares an example of a client in her 20s who spent so much time with three friends in their late 30s that she felt “there was no excitement in life. They would pay for her drinks and food, and tell her “break-ups don’t matter". In such cases, two things can happen: either you get inspired and aspire to live an independent happy life, or you have no motivation because you start feeling that everything is taken care of, there’s no FOMO, and you lose your sense of competitiveness.

An intergenerational friendship can also be complicated in the way society views it. “These bonds can be misconstrued," says Delhi-based Arjun Hardas, 52, who works as a consultant in the advocacy sector. Among his friends is a 27-year-old he met a press conference and with whom he formed a bond based on mentorship and a love of pop culture. “If two people go out for dinner, someone young and someone old from different genders, people start asking what they are doing together," says Hardas. “What they forget is that there’s a world she’s grown up in that’s completely different from the one I have lived through—there’s so much we can learn from each other, something you won’t find in books, films or anywhere else."

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Growing up, Meenakshi Menon’s mother would tell her to make two types of friends—one two years younger and one 20 years older. “She was one of those few parents who believed a 20-year gap helped bridge several generations permanently," says Mumbai-based Menon, 65, the founder of GenS, a tech platform for improving the life of those over 60. She counts two people, one in her 30s and the other in his 80s, among her closest friends. “They helped me get through my divorce. Friendships with contemporaries, though important, can be linear... same concerns, similar experiences, they don’t give you wider sense of the world. The older people hold up a mirror to life, they teach you acceptance. The younger hold out hope, they tell you that something better is in store."

 

The large age gap can sometimes lead to the older friend sliding into the role of a parent, or the younger unconsciously behaving as a child, which can be good or bad. Singh often displays a maternal side with Verma, checking if her younger friend has reached home safely, asking if she has taken her medicines or sending food over when she is sick. “These gestures tend to feel more parental when there is a large age gap, probably because friends my own age may not be as expressive in their care. They might check in, but that’s about it," says Verma.

Milan-based Claudio Conti, 86, who first met Menon on a bus trip in Portugal in 1997, believes intergenerational friendship “lies in the capacity for integration, in the ability to accept one another despite differences (of age, physical condition, status) and to engage with these differences so that both may benefit from the exchange." 

He explains the larger social idea of parent-child bond can limit friendships: “In many instances, children are desired (by parents)—as objects might be—without serious reflection on their true needs. This often has slow but devastating effects, preventing this crucial form of intergenerational relationship—so vital to humanity’s destiny—from ever taking the shape of genuine friendship."

Mala Srikanth, 65, an Armed Forces doctor who worked around the world before moving to Ranikhet, Uttarakhand, has experienced being the older friend, and has also had older friends. She believes friendships that are transactional tend to fade away, regardless of the age gap. She recalls the time when two younger women she considered close friends turned out to value her more as a “provider of home comforts." “When that hit me, I did feel bad, but I wouldn’t hold it against them. They needed that comfort at the time and I was able to provide it."

Uncertainty about how the older or younger person would react to overtures of friendship or the fear of being used is quite natural but can be overcome in time. It took Rajiv Prasad, 65, and Tanya Kaushal, 24, months to dissolve such barriers. The two met when Kaushal was trying to parallel park her car in her apartment complex in north Delhi, her many futile attempts delaying Prasad. “Why do people get a car when they don’t know how to drive?" Prasad muttered then.

The next afternoon, Kaushal appeared at Prasad’s door with homemade laddoos. “I asked the guard where you lived," Kaushal told him. “I’m on the second floor; I moved in a month ago." Kaushal had moved from Chandigarh to start a career as a software engineer at a multinational in 2022.

“Honestly, I was a bit suspicious... after the pandemic, meeting people, especially strangers, had become so alien," laughs Prasad, a retired banker and a widower.

Over the next few months, they exchanged pleasantries while passing in the corridors. Then Prasad invited her to a small party at home for Diwali 2022. This time, their conversation was longer—how her long-distance romance was falling apart, how an undetected cancer took away his wife, how many daily Suryanamaskars were enough, what’s the convenient mode of transportation to Gurugram, their mutual love for jazz and Enid Blyton.

Soon, the duo were going for after-dinner walks, buying groceries together and discussing podcasts. It was a relationship built on mutual respect, understanding and learning—the basis of any relationship. Work has since taken Kaushal to Mumbai but they make it a point to talk at least once a week. “Finding people who listen to you, cheer for you, understand your fears, people you can be raw with, is so rare. Rajiv allows me to be that, and I believe I do the same for him—the 40-year difference has hardly ever been on the table," she says.

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A fear that can loom over a friendship with an older person is that of death. Kaushal often talks about it, especially when she visits Delhi but is not able to make time for Prasad. “That constant threat is always there; that’s what makes it more precious. Having someone older to you as a friend who’s not immediate family is actually an incredible way to give back to yourself; it helps see you through so much life throws at you."

“I attract several younger friends, who are intrigued by my life’s journey and that I am ‘living the dream’ here in the mountains. They don’t necessarily see what it took to get here," says Dr Srikanth. It hasn’t made her cynical at all, she says, explaining that one of her closest friends is nearly two decades younger—Parul Kaushik, 44, with whom she shares a love of knitting, and who has opened her up to an appreciation of many new things, including children’s illustrated books and varied cuisines. “(Having younger friends) allows me to be a lot more like my younger self without reminding me of my age. I think what has helped me make friends with different age groups is not being inquisitive or throwing my experience at them but letting friends open up when they want to."

Healthy ageing

We often underestimate the value of platonic, high-quality friendships, especially as we age. For long, studies have demonstrated that good adult friendships are predictors of well-being, can protect against depression and anxiety, and that regular and healthy socialising can help prevent conditions such as dementia and Alzheimer’s. “With ageing there is often a loss of purpose and a decline in physical, functional and mental health, including cognition (memory) and mood," says Prasun Chatterjee, geriatrician and longevity physician at the All India Institute of Medical Sciences in Delhi. “Depression, dementia and other conditions increase in the aged because of the loss of identity, financial stress or health issues but all these can be improved with socialising and having a purpose in life." While all social activity is beneficial, intergenerational interaction and learning has an important role to play in healthy ageing.

Among HAI’s activities is an intergenerational learning initiative launched in 2017, where 30 class VI students at a Noida government school were taught by four elderly educators or “grand mentors" who were retired professionals. As both parties seemed to benefit, the programme was extended over one-and-a-half years, during which time 100 students spent time with 30 “grand mentors". The findings were captured in a 2022 research paper Impact of Intergenerational Learning on the Wellbeing of Young and Old: A Qualitative Study by Dr Chatterjee. Student grades improved between 20-40%, and the students reported more confidence, a better ability to handle peer pressure, and a more respectful attitude towards the elderly. The older educators found purpose, joy, satisfaction and a regained sense of youth. This programme was replicated since 2018 in 28 schools and community centres in Noida, Greater Noida, Delhi, Ranchi and Dhanbad, reaching approximately 8,000 students and over 120 educators. The plan is to add 10 more schools in Dhanbad by 2026.

“Interactions between the elderly and younger people are different from interactions between people at similar ages," says Chaturvedi. “At an old-age home run by HAI, we have observed the elderly lighting up when college or school children enter. The energy and change in behaviour are incredible. It is not the same as when they interact with other elderly people, which they do all day."

Dr Srikanth agrees that interactions in intergenerational friendships differ from those with her age-peers, the latter believing that she should be “sitting quietly and reading magazines." With Kaushik and other younger friends there are new things to talk about, beyond reminiscing about college or medicine. What is evident from these experiences is the importance of being open to having a diverse group of friends and continuing to develop these connections and make new ones throughout adulthood. While age may seem irrelevant to these sets of friends, it is undeniable that the generational gap lends a unique dimension to these connections and strengthens the bond.

“While Parul and my friendship is not defined by age, I will reiterate that everyone should be open to having friends from different generations." says Dr Srikanth. “These friendships have been the silver lining in my life."

Pooja Singh contributed to this story.

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