A therapist's guide to building reciprocal relationships

A 40-year-old client in a therapy session talks about people saying all the right things, but when it’s time to act or show up, they fall short. She says, “I’ve started to feel frustrated both with my family and some of my friendships as I always seem to be the one taking the initiative and giving my time and energy. I’m tired and beginning to feel disillusioned.”

What the client is discussing reflects a pattern that has repeatedly surfaced in sessions over the past year. Clients across gender and age talk about the absence of reciprocity in intimate relationships. At a larger level, this ongoing theme is a reminder that we are falling into what can be called a “relationship recession”.

Whether it’s in therapy sessions or social situations, the way we look at close relationships is shifting. This is reflected in the quality time we spend, how much we invest consistently in terms of effort, showing up and deepening our relationships. A core value that appears to be misunderstood in this process is what it truly means to engage in reciprocal relationships.

The foundation of intimate relationships is based on reciprocity. At the beginning of a romantic relationship, attraction often takes root in moments when flirtatious glances are exchanged and mutually returned. The attraction is felt in non-verbal acts.

In sibling and friendship dynamics, reciprocity is reflected in the ability to listen, and to show our vulnerability when we ourselves are struggling. This capacity for role reversal is where our interdependence lies and it’s in these subtle moments that the relationship deepens. Shared mutuality meets our deep need for safety, connection and emotional regulation. There is a social soothing experienced when we find ourselves in these relationships.

Reciprocity at a very simplistic level requires give and take. It is not about keeping score, or wanting the initiative to be 50:50. It goes beyond that and involves feelings of warmth towards the other person, mutuality when it comes to initiative, shared vulnerability and attentive presence.

These are relationships where we find ourselves emotionally engaging and investing, experiencing lighter moments, showing up when life gets hard, and trusting that the other person will show up too. It’s the thread of mutuality that removes any power imbalance. In simple acts of seeing through a commitment, co-operating, taking initiative, checking on a friend, or offering a non-judgmental space, we communicate care and value for the other person. This give and take adds to reciprocal connection.

It’s beautiful how these acts communicate an attitude of reliability, responsibility and empathy, that someone is willing to extend themselves and be present because they care for you. This is why when reciprocity goes missing in relationships, it hurts so much.

When people confuse reciprocity with likes on social media, it feels like a loss. It evokes dissonance and it’s hard to make sense of how the relationship is changing and intimacy is dimming. This is a recurring theme where clients mention how their friends see every story and post but rarely check on them in real life.

Being cognisant of the power of reciprocity is vital to maintaining relationships. It’s a shared responsibility whether in friendships, families or romantic relationships. I often ask clients to describe what reciprocity means to them and the actions they equate with it. A client said it’s about thoughtfulness, while a friend said it’s about active presence and affection in her life.

We can cultivate it in acts of attentive listening, micro rituals of checking in with those for whom we care, showing up in ways that matter. Reciprocity is the elixir of relationships and allows for trust, hope and nourishing ourselves and our connections.

Sonali Gupta is a Mumbai-based psychotherapist and author.