What does your relationship with money say about you?

Our relationship with money is deeply entrenched with our own personalities. The way we handle money is often a reflection of ourselves—our gender, our upbringing, our childhood, our aspirations, and our trauma. It’s so deep that even the words we use to describe other people often have money laced connotations. Generous, miserly, shrewd, careless.

And that’s why we get so affected when people talk to us about money. We don’t look at it as a conversation about our finances. We look at it as a conversation about us. If we’re asked to save a little more, we don’t see it as financial advice. We see it as an accusation and interpret it as callousness. We get defensive. If we’re asked to spend differently, or make different buying choices, we go to great lengths to justify our expenses because we see it as a direct attack on our tastes. And God forbid someone questions our investments—that just shows that they think we’re dumb.

But this isn’t just about them. The flipside is that we also get very judgemental in matters of money. When someone in our circle buys something expensive, for example, we rarely judge the transaction. We judge them. It’s not unusual for us to say, ‘Oh this is nice, but I could never spend so much on a phone/dress/trip.’ Judgement isn’t reserved for just the big spenders either. ‘I could never sacrifice my comfort to save a few thousand,’ we tell those on a budget.

It’s as if the very mention of money gives one permission to open the floodgates of judgement. And naturally, it’s because of how often and how strongly we judge those around us, that we automatically hesitate talking about our own finances. It’s one thing for us to call someone kanjoos. But them calling you kanjoos? Forget about it. Worse still, what if they think your investing choices are stupid? That you’re stupid?

The way we judge others’ finances is the best reflection of how we feel about our own finances. It’s probably the best indicator of our relationship with money.

And the truth is that one does not have to detach to understand their relationship with money. Just observation is a good starting point. Why do you save the way you do? Why do you spend the way you do? What do you think happened in your life to make you look at money the way you do? Acknowledging your relationship with money and being honest with yourself about your finances is the first step towards financial independence.

Think of it as a map. The map has every road, alleyway, and landmark plotted on it. But you’re not going to all of them—and only you know which destination truly matters. When you take a hard look at your money habits—whether it’s your spending, saving, or even your thoughts around financial security—you’ll be able to pinpoint where exactly you’re starting from on the map.

And from there, you can decide where you want to head. A dream financial milestone (maybe a house), a future free of financial stress, living a debt-free life, or maybe you want to take the scenic route which incorporates all of these milestones one after the other.

But remember, you need to be very sure about where you are starting in order to get to where you’re supposed to be. If you’re not honest about your financial present, or don’t have a clear set of destinations in mind, even the best, most detailed maps can have you lost and wandering aimlessly….

Money is a lot like high school mathematics, in that, perfectly intelligent people who are fully capable of mastering the subject are convinced that they will just not get it.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand it, they’ll say, and give up before they begin. Well, as someone who enjoys both subjects, let me assure you, money is not at all like mathematics. In fact, it’s like French. And much like French—or art appreciation, nutrition, fitness, Korean pop culture, and the Marvel Universe for that matter—money is just a language, with its own vocabulary, grammar, and rules.

Let’s start at the very beginning. The alphabets of money are the very fundamental ways in which money behaves and sometimes, misbehaves. We’re constantly told to save, to invest, to have insurance, and to think long-term. But we’re rarely told why we must do it, which is why we don’t feel compelled to. When you learn the mechanics, the rules, and the grammar with which money operates, on the other hand, you’ll have greater conviction to take charge of your finances and a much stronger grip on the subject.

Excerpted with permission from Simon & Schuster.

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