The illusion of perfection

Over the last 20 years, the landscape of what I see in therapy sessions has shifted. The prominent change has been in the point at which people reach out for therapy and the reasons that propel them to seek support from a mental health professional.

In the last 8-10 years, I have observed a sharp increase in the number of people reaching out because they feel they are unable to ‘do enough’. Clients talk about feeling unhappy or dissatisfied as they feel there is much more they should achieve in their personal and professional life. Whether it is finances, self-care, friendship, travel or micro influencing (how people position and brand themselves), there is this pervasive sense of not doing enough.

Fulfilment is no longer limited to having a good personal life or a meaningful job. Clients feel that they are under pressure to excel in various areas of their life.

This sense of unhappiness seems to have been amplified by social media where people engage in what I call “death by social comparison”. People find themselves stuck in a spiral and feel their own life is boring or hard compared to others on social media. This shows up during sessions with clients saying, “No matter how much I achieve, I constantly feel that there is someone juggling so much more than me.” 

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As I hear clients talk about this, I wonder if people are on a hedonistic treadmill seeking an illusory perfect state which they believe will make them happy. As a result, even when they are doing well, they don’t give themselves permission to feel happy or savour the moment when they achieve something. No matter how much is done, this thirst for perfectionism is not quenched—it is fuelled further.

My experience tells me that many people, consciously or unconsciously, strive for perfection and, even more challenging, effortless perfection. Both are dangerous and a recipe for feeling that one is constantly failing.

Global research shows that there is a sharp rise in the desire for perfectionism among college students and young people. This is supported by my experience in therapy too, with clients in their early to late 20s talking consistently about how they are not doing enough and have been failing at life. This reveals how our narratives of control, perfection and perception of others are getting in the way of living a fuller life.

One of the first steps to remedy this is learning to recognise and acknowledge that our feelings require a pause, rather than rushing to the next achievement. Most people are so busy that they forget to check in with themselves if they are finding joy in what they do.

The next step is becoming aware of self-sabotaging beliefs and social media comparisons that keep us stuck. We need to recognize how all our achievements and struggles need to be understood in terms of the unique struggles we all had, our upbringing, various factors and conditions which are different across individuals. When we start making stories about other people’s success in our heads and not trust our own journey, we are letting our critical inner voice take over.

Remembering that perfectionism is the enemy of good is a good starting point. It’s okay if you are excelling in one area and still figuring out other areas.

Our ability to strive and flourish comes from this desire to learn and get better. At the same time, we need to remember that we can pause, be kind to ourselves, savour our success while working towards achieving goals and striving for a better life.

Sonali Gupta is a Mumbai-based clinical psychologist. She is the author of the book Anxiety: Overcome It And Live Without Fear and has a YouTube channel, Mental Health with Sonali.

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