How to be a better listener

While the act of being a good listener seems simple, it requires an active desire and intention. The good thing is that we can all learn to be effective listeners in our relationships where our loved ones experience connection. It begins with prioritising and making space for deep listening.

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Given how we have become so used to multi-tasking, our devices come in the way of us actively showing up for others. One client told me how when he was struggling with his job, he couldn’t tell his wife because he felt that she was constantly distracted by her phone and notifications from work. As he needed solace from his wife, he felt disappointed and hurt and chose not to share his thoughts with her as he was irked by her obsession with the phone.

Listening to our loved ones requires mono-tasking—a singular focus on what they have to say. This is the only way we can maintain eye contact, pay attention to non-verbal cues, silences and what they are not saying. Listening requires attentive presence. Begin with the first step of mono-tasking and scheduling time to actively listen so that others feel heard and seen.

Another component closely linked to attentive presence is learning to regulate our own emotions as we turn the lens on the other person. It means becoming aware of how our own feelings and mental state are influencing the process and what we can do to centre ourselves so that we listen better.

Improving one’s tolerance and patience is a huge part of listening. When others are trying to communicate their needs or tell their stories, sometimes we already are planning what to say next or making presumptions about what they are saying.

Learning to develop patience so we pay attention to what others are saying without feeling the pressure to respond or solve their problems is crucial. Very often, others want us to just listen—and listening by itself is a goal. An act of being present completely is healing in itself.

We are living at a time where there are diverse opinions about everything online. In times of such polarised information and opinions, non-judgmental spaces can feel sacred and allow others to experience a sense of psychological safety so they can be vulnerable.

One of the most important components that allows for non-judgmental listening is enhancing our own empathy. Listen with an intent to understand and make sense of another’s world. We must remember that others don’t use the same filters as us when it comes to viewing the world and making decisions. This awareness has helped me in keeping the empathy alive in conversations.

Simone Weil, the French philosopher, has been quoted as saying, “Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity."

When we are investing in becoming a good listener, we can offer our loved one the gift of presence, which is invaluable. So this February as conversations around love begin to emerge, mindfully work towards developing a capacity to listen deeply and be present, it’s a skill that will continue to strengthen and provide scope for deepening relationships.

Sonali Gupta is a Mumbai-based clinical psychologist. She is the author of the book Anxiety: Overcome It And Live Without Fear and has a YouTube channel, Mental Health with Sonali.

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