Is social media killing the idea of romance?

“For many people, social media has become a primary way of seeking information and learning. The apps are so easy to integrate into our days and routines and checking Instagram has become more seamless than a Google search when we want to understand something," explains Kathryn D. Coduto, assistant professor in media science at Boston University’s College of Communication, US.

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Many of the people giving out advice are content creators who may not be qualified as therapists or psychologists but are merely creating videos and posts that will gain followers. A 2023 Ernst and Young report, titled State of influencer marketing in India, estimated that India’s influencer marketing sector will hit ₹3,375 crore by 2026. Over 86% of the creators surveyed were confident of seeing a rise in their income by over 10% in the next two years, irrespective of the accuracy and type of content they put out. But what is the impact of the rise of the creator economy and the proliferation of amateur observation masquerading as informed opinion on people’s romantic relationships in the real world?

Firstly, there has been a flurry of terms that describe behaviour within romantic relationships. “What we’re witnessing is a shift in dating and relationships in sync with the rise of social media, especially with the use of terms such as ghosting, breadcrumbing, etc." says Coduto. These words don’t necessarily describe new behaviours but simply offer labels for actions that have been around for a long time. In the 2003 film, Kal Ho Naa Ho, for instance, Saif Ali Khan’s Rohit disappears and does not speak to Naina (Preity Zinta) before eventually asking her out, in other words, he “ghosts" her for a bit.

When done with care and understanding, labelling problematic behaviours has value and can help people process challenging emotions. If there’s a term for what you’ve experienced, it can make the experience less overwhelming or confusing. The downside, however, “is that it can normalise behaviour that is unkind. We’re putting an almost trendy vernacular on a set of actions, and that could make it seem as if that behaviour is normal, perhaps just a harmless, light-hearted facet of dating," explains Chloe Carmichael, a licensed clinical psychologist and author based in Florida.

Social media neologisms have led to a heightened sense of awareness and an increased sense of anxiety. Michelle Herzog, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Chicago, warns that “by applying such labels, there’s a danger of over-intellectualising and over-analysing every aspect of a relationship. Terms like ‘beige flag’ might prompt individuals to scrutinise their partner’s every action, searching for potential problems where there might be none. Relationships are complex, and behaviour isn’t always neatly categorised as ‘red flag’, ‘green flag’ or ‘beige flag’ but social media encourages one to do so."

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But what explains the popularity of such content amongst young people? Radhika Mohta, a Bengaluru-based matchmaker and relationship coach, explains that “people are always looking for signs and clues. Life is filled with milestones and changes, and people want to ensure that they pick a partner with whom they can navigate this uncertainty. This desire for control perhaps explains the interest in this content."

However, social media commentary on what works in relationships, may not always lead one to accurate conclusions. With Instagram’s algorithm preferring byte-sized content that seldom allows nuance, and mental health literacy low in India, young people remain vulnerable to misinformation. Carmichael explains that despite all the discourse around attachment styles, “what many people don’t understand is that attachment styles can change. They are not a tangible diagnosis like diabetes is. It’s meant to be more descriptive than prescriptive."

Without professional support to navigate what “attachment styles" and other such terms really mean, many young people are left more confused and vulnerable. Niharika, a 23-year-old student from the National Capital Region who goes by one name, says, “For the longest time, I saw several Reels detailing how partners in romantic relationships behave due to different attachment styles... I believed I had an ‘insecure attachment’ that made me act a certain way. Later on, I realised I wasn’t at fault. Not having any professional support to really understand left me more confused."

Content creators have also introduced unusual romantic preferences as the gold standard for “good" relationship behaviour. This spans criteria as specific as finding someone who peels oranges to preserve a manicure to broader ideals like the “finance bro" (men in finance with trust funds and blue eyes). “Social media narratives shape what we’re supposed to want—and that makes women limit themselves to only one path. Consequently, people can feel ashamed and disconnected from what they truly want because it’s not trendy right now," says Carmichael.

What can young people inundated with such content do? Mohta suggests focusing on what could go right rather than looking out for what’s wrong. She underscores that “actively listening to one another during conversations and in daily interactions can facilitate navigating difficult discussions much better, which may be more effective in understanding your partner than absorbing social media chatter".

Devika Oberai is a psychology graduate from Delhi University, now working as a policy professional.

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