The friendship recession: Are we losing the art of connection?
There is a decline in both the time people spend with friends and the number of close friendships they sustain
A 45-year-old female client says she’s becoming increasingly disillusioned with friendships. “Despite having many friends, in the last two years there is this subtle, consistent feeling of disconnection. My heart aches for real conversations, not likes or comments on my social media, which is barely a glimpse into what I’m feeling. I wish they engaged with me more at a personal level."
It’s ironic that our phone constantly reminds us of notifications from friends on social media, yet we are feeling alone, craving meaningful conversation and getting confused as we can’t make sense of this new dynamic. Feeling disconnected, sensing unequal effort in maintaining friendships, not getting the same amount of care back, and absence of close friendships have emerged as a theme in sessions over the last three years. Clients aged 20-50 are more likely to bring this up.
Women say their closeness in friendships has been eroded and the number of friends they can rely on is dwindling. Male clients say they don’t have anyone to talk to or confide in—conversations are usually superficial. Researchers around the world are calling this “friendship recession"—a decline in both the time people spend with friends and the number of close friendships that people have or sustain. Although most of the data comes from the US, I’m seeing similar trends in India.
The pandemic—the time we spent being alone at home and entirely reliant on technology—has impacted how we engage and invest in our close friendships. After the world opened up, some of those patterns have continued.
Our overfamiliarity with isolation and asynchronous interactions, where people can send messages at their own convenience, have contributed to what is being referred to as “learned loneliness".
This learned loneliness is perpetuating a pattern of doomscrolling, spending large amounts of time passively watching shows and spending weekends at home alone. We are losing the ability to connect and find joy in interpersonal spaces.
We are communicating more than ever and yet we are unable to find the connection that warms our heart. This is leading people to feel hopeless, helpless and out of sync with their values about relationships.
The likes, comments and emojis feel like we have gamified our friendships and as a result, communication feels performative rather than genuine. Clients say they feel betrayed, hurt or disappointed when they realise that some friendships are fading away, others are limited to social media chats and some, despite honest conversations, do not meet their need for connection.
Navigating loneliness coupled with these “big" feelings begins to impact people’s self-worth and confidence.
Close friendships, where we feel seen and can show up in authentic ways, are a soothing balm. In the company of our friends, we feel valued, understood, experience empathy and offer empathy. The mundane conversations, silences, laughter—all form a building block to deep meaningful connection, which allows us to experience trust, safety and a feeling that we are not alone.
We need to remember that sustaining friendship requires effort, accommodation, flexibility and most importantly, making time when our friends need us.
A gentle “thinking of you" message, an unexpected spontaneous coffee date, snatching an hour from one’s busy schedule to meet a friend in real time and then a long call which brings lightness, laughter, and leads to real plans—these are antidotes to “learned loneliness". These small acts, gestures can remind us how our hearts and mind have missed connection and we can work towards rebuilding it in our life.
Sonali Gupta is a Mumbai-based psychotherapist. She is the author of You Will be Alright: A Guide to Navigating Grief and has a YouTube channel, Mental Health with Sonali.
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