How to beat loneliness and create authentic connections
To build a life filled with authentic relationships, be proactive, seek out like-minded people, and lend time & care to nurture your tribe
Loneliness may almost be an epidemic today, but it still remains a taboo topic. How many of us bother to bring up the subject in a social conversation? And if we do discuss it, do we know the strategies to overcome it? To read books on the subject is to understand that the first step to dealing with loneliness is to develop the courage to confront it. For many, the journey begins with recognizing loneliness without shame.
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Sameer* (name changed on request), a young widower in his 40s, speaks candidly about his experience over an email interview with me. “After my wife’s death four years ago, I felt isolated,” he writes before sharing details of how he dealt with it. “I began setting aside an hour each day to sit with my grief, acknowledging it without judgment. The rest of the day, I committed to activities that made me feel more connected to myself and others.” Sameer found solace in befriending a neighbor and going for morning walks with him, attending yoga classes, and cooking wholesome meals for himself.
In her final book, The Joys of Connection, published in September this year after her passing, Dr Ruth Westheimer, America’s best-known sex therapist, offers readers 100 strategies to cultivate connections that endure, reminding us that human closeness is achievable, even in our fractured world. Much like Sameer here, Dr Ruth as she was known by her admirers, prescribes “acknowledging loneliness” as an essential first step toward easing loneliness’ grip on oneself. Taking off from Dr Ruth’s book, Lounge explores some ways you can proactively create connections this holiday season.
Build new bonds
When Sagar Agarwal, 27, moved to Bengaluru in 2022, he had no office to go to. Working from home meant he had to try doubly hard to make connections in the city. He went to sports meetups and networking events to no avail. He hadn’t made any new friends. “People would come to networking events with specific intents of either dating or building a professional network,” he reminisces. “We used to exchange Instagram handles and that was it.” As he soon realized, one can’t make friends after one meeting. Neither can one make friends with people who have intents different from yours. “All I did was collect phone numbers knowing that we aren’t going to meet or talk again.” He realized it needed sustained efforts to build connections and so, instead of relying on somebody else, Agarwal decided to start off a club that’s entirely about platonic friendships and bonding. He named it Oopar and kicked off operations in late 2022.
While its genesis may have been entirely organic, it is positioned as a club for like-minded people who can meet in a safe environment. “I started Oopar for people like me by providing space – through tie-ups with restaurants and other venue partners – and creating events or experiences.” The club’s approach is unique, offering over 20 events every month that fall into four categories: Travel, Games and Sports, Creative Arts, and Movies. With branches now in Bengaluru and Hyderabad, the club has grown to 5,000 users—a reflection of a growing need for communities centred on authentic interaction. “Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither are friendships,” Agarwal notes emphasizing the time required to build lasting connections.
Sometimes, one feels alienated even amidst familiar faces. This is what drove queer poet and writer Rohini Malur to start Queer Reads Bangalore (QRB) in 2012. It’s a book club that offers queer individuals an open space to discuss literature for and by queer people. Malur admits that the loneliness factor is worse or complicated for members of the LGBTQIA+ community.
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“Back in 2012, you weren’t really assured of a warm welcome in mixed/straight spaces. Things are different now but not so much. One of the things I had to learn to do was create the book club not only as a space to hang out and talk about books but also as a safe space that’s a lot more intentional,” she shares. Today, a diverse set of people are members of QRB. There are those who show up just for the book club but don’t really interact with the others outside of it, some who meet at the book club and other queer events, and others who are close friends who hang out together everywhere.
“Whenever queer people come to Bengaluru and wonder how to make friends, I suggest they join support groups and activity groups like QRB. They provide individuals with a low-stress way to interact with other people from the community without having to worry about what they say or do,” observes Malur.
Embrace the ‘Weak Ties’
Dr Ruth also underscores the value of pursuing all kinds of platonic connections. Be it work friends, casual friends/acquaintances, friends of friends – no matter what bracket they fall into, each of these friendships is worth nurturing because they make you feel seen. In a 2014 study, Social Interactions and Well-Being: The Surprising Power of Weak Ties, Dr Gillian Sandstrom, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Essex, found that participants with larger networks of weak ties tended to be happier overall. People having even brief interactions with ‘weak ties,’ such as a barista or fellow dog walker, can increase happiness and a sense of belonging.
The path to connection, as Dr Ruth’s book and the instances cited here illustrate, is one of persistent effort. In an age when many feel lonelier than ever, her words can offer a roadmap: “Relationships of all kinds require attention and care, whether with close friends or the stranger you greet each morning.”
How to manage that feeling of loneliness
Medically, loneliness is often defined as a distressing experience that arises when a person perceives a gap between their desired and actual social connections. Quite often, all of us have felt it at some point in our lives but chronic loneliness is like a dead weight which snuffs out our light within.
It has been shown to impact mental and physical health significantly, contributing to conditions like depression, anxiety, and even cognitive decline over time. To address loneliness, medical experts often recommend interventions such as cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), which can help individuals reframe their social experiences, along with lifestyle changes like increasing physical activity, engaging in community activities, or practicing mindfulness to build resilience.
Jayanthi Madhukar is a writer based in Bengaluru.
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First Published:3 Dec 2024, 03:00 PM IST
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