Can ‘pebbling’ help you nurture better relationships?

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Pebbling, a term borrowed from the mating rituals of male Gentoo penguins who offer pebbles to potential female mates as tokens of affection, has come to symbolise small, everyday acts of connection among humans. It could be a quick text, a shared meme, a forwarded song, or even a short message that says, “Hey, I thought of you." But beyond these gestures, what is pebbling doing to our relationships? Is it a sign of evolving social norms, or does it risk diluting the depth of our connections?  

Building confidence and connection

For Meera Acharekar, a French teacher at JBCN International School in Mumbai, pebbling is not just an abstract concept but a daily reality in her classroom. Acharekar recalls an experience that illustrates how small, consistent interactions can have a profound impact. “A couple of years back, I mentored two grade 10 students who were scoring B and C in French," she recounts. “Throughout the year, we had sessions twice a month, which allowed us to plan their academics, and they eventually scored an A and A+ in their boards. I believe these small, consistent interactions helped build the students’ confidence, which ultimately reflected in their academic performance".

Acharekar emphasises that these small, more frequent moments of engagement can be more impactful than grand gestures, especially for introverts like her who may find large social settings daunting. “Large crowds may dampen the impact of pebbling as they are meant to be deep and meaningful and can be built on a smaller scale," she adds.

Pebbling as emotional rescue 

For Pooja Menon, a college student in Ahmedabad, pebbling has been a lifeline in moments of emotional distress. “During a period when I felt overwhelmed and isolated, a friend sent me a meme," she shares. “It made me laugh, reminded me of good times, and led to a meaningful conversation between us." This single pebble—a meme—triggered a chain reaction, turning a moment of loneliness into one of connection and joy.   

Menon finds that pebbling allows her to maintain a connection without the pressure of constant communication. “I send at least 3 or 4 ‘pebbles’ to my inner circle on the days I actively use social media. Some of those pebbles result in discussions, some are just liked, and some get emojis," she explains. However, she admits that she doesn’t always subscribe to “more pebbling" as a rule and prefers less frequent but more meaningful social engagements. For her, pebbling serves as a bridge—sometimes eliciting just a smile, and other times, opening a doorway to deeper conversations. 

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Understanding the psychological foundations

Dr. Hansika Kapoor, a psychologist and researcher at Monk Prayogshala, Mumbai suggests that the act of pebbling signifies effort and thoughtfulness, two increasingly rare commodities in today's fast-paced digital world. “Pebbling indicates that you have spent time and effort thinking about someone else," she explains. She sees these micro-interactions as adding an additional layer to communication in close relationships, enhancing emotional expressiveness while also acknowledging the limitations.  

Kapoor highlights that while pebbling can enhance social bonds, it is not a substitute for more meaningful, traditional communication methods like phone calls or face-to-face conversations. She describes pebbling as “a complement, not a replacement." For instance, after an argument, sending a funny meme could help break the ice, but it won’t resolve the underlying conflict. Thus, while pebbling serves as an effective tool for maintaining connections, it is crucial to remember its limitations in fostering deep emotional engagement. 

Balancing the scales 

Anay Pantojee, a Mumbai-based multidisciplinary designer, views pebbling with a more critical lens. Pantojee feels that while pebbling can be a helpful way to stay connected in today’s “dystopia of instant communication and shortening attention spans," it often lacks depth and authenticity. “I only message really close friends as I’m an introvert, and I tend to give in to the vices of social media a few times daily to kill time while waiting for things," he admits. Pantojee appreciates the ease of sharing interests but misses the depth of more substantial interactions. “If you let these small gestures take over as the main course of your relationship, things can quickly feel superficial and one-dimensional," he cautions. 

Dr. Shruti Puri, a clinical psychologist from Karma Care in New Delhi, agrees that while pebbling helps maintain connections, it may lack the emotional depth of more meaningful interactions. “Pebbling cannot be a primary form of communication," she argues. “It can lead to an avoidance of deeper issues as they can often remain unaddressed, which might result in a relationship that lacks genuine intimacy."

Dr. Aman Bhonsle, a relationship counsellor and psychotherapist based in Mumbai, adds a metaphor to capture the essence of pebbling’s role in relationships: “Imagine pebbling as a steady drip filling up a bucket with every small act of connection—each drop adding up to a solid reservoir of trust and affection," he explains. However, he cautions against mistaking the volume of these small acts for genuine connection, emphasising that while pebbles have their place, they are not a replacement for deeper, more meaningful conversations. 

A universal but diverse phenomenon

Pebbling is not a one-size-fits-all phenomenon. Its interpretation and effectiveness can vary significantly across different cultural contexts. Dr. Sanjay Kumavat, a consultant psychiatrist at Fortis Hospital in Mulund, Mumbai, explains that while pebbling might be a natural way to maintain connections in close-knit cultures, it could be perceived as intrusive or superficial in more individualistic societies.  

Bhonsle elaborates on this point by discussing how different cultures might perceive pebbling. In collectivist societies, where relationships are often maintained through constant, low-key interactions, pebbling might be seen as a necessary and meaningful tool for social bonding. Conversely, in individualistic societies, where personal space and boundaries are emphasised, pebbling might be less appreciated or even considered annoying. 

Sanjana Prasad, a trauma-informed counselling psychologist and psychotherapist based in Bengaluru points out how pebbling can also lead to misunderstandings if not navigated carefully. She warns against “breadcrumbing" where pebbling is used to keep someone engaged without any real intention of deeper commitment. “For example, when a potential love interest sends memes constantly but refuses to have difficult conversations, it can create a lopsided relationship with an imbalanced power dynamic," she explains. Her cautionary tale illustrates how cultural and individual expectations can significantly influence the success or failure of pebbling as a form of communication. 

While pebbling can enhance social bonds by filling the gaps between more significant interactions, experts unanimously agree that it should not replace traditional forms of communication. Every pebble—whether it’s a meme, a shared song, or a quick message—has the potential to create a ripple. But to build lasting, meaningful relationships, we must remember that more than   pebbles, we need genuine, heartfelt connections that stand the test of time. 

Divya Naik is a Mumbai-based journalist and writer.

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