“Consent isn’t a one-time yes, it is an ongoing process”, says Seema Anand
The popular sexual health educator, who has launched her book ‘Speak Easy’, talks about how upbringing shapes our guilt and shame around sex, and why saying ‘No’ is essential to healthy intimacy
If you follow Seema Anand, popular sexual health educator, Kama Sutra expert, mythologist and writer on Instagram, you are familiar with her unapologetic, feisty approach –both while talking about sex, pleasure, and intimacy or wielding trolls who cannot fathom a ‘mature woman’ talking about taboo topics. While Instagram may be a medium that helps her connect to followers and answer a range of questions, there are some things that are best explained in the pages of a book.
Anand's new book, Speak Easy: A Field Guide to Love, Longing and Intimacy, that released a couple of weeks ago, is a compilation of letters that she's received over the years from people seeking solutions – or just a kind word – for their complicated relationships, sexual confusions, weird situationships, kinks and more. In the book, Anand along with the help of experts – especially Dr Anvita Madan-Bahel, a relational and psychosexual therapist and her podcast co-host – tackles these questions with maturity, sensitivity and a non-judgmental attitude. Commenting on the work that went into ensuring that every response would be nuanced, Anand says, “It was a lot of work. There were some questions that I think I rewrote four times. There was some where I thought I had to add a line even after the final edit was done."
Envisioned to be ‘part sex-ed manual and part wise friend,’ to quote the press note, the book is dedicated to her children. “The reason that I dedicated it to my children is because they're my biggest support," she reveals but adds that the dedication also shows people that “it is OK for parents to advise their children. I want kids to feel that their parents are the soft cushion, the safe space that they can go to." But the book is not just for kids and parents. “I truly want that everybody should be able to pick up the book and discuss the questions with their friends group without feeling judged."
In this telephone interview with Lounge, Anand delves into the book, how shame and guilt continue to impede sexual desires, the true meaning of consent, and how she's learned to be super-non judgmental to questions that continue to be lobbed at her.
The book’s format is a neat Q&A—each letter followed by your extended response. Did you choose this structure because it was easier to lay things out this way than to organise chapters around different themes?
Yes, we could easily have made chapters out of the topics. If someone asks about threesomes, for example, we could’ve just written a chapter on threesomes. But the thing is the questions that come in have so much nuance to them. They're from real people talking about their real worries. And I think those resonate with people more because, you know, if I (as a reader) see the letter that somebody's written, each little point of it suddenly makes a different kind of sense, like you see what the ‘real worry’ behind something is.
You mentioned in an Instagram reel that the letters in the book were chosen from mail you’ve received over many years…
There are so many questions people have but rarely talk about, so everyone ends up alone with their doubts. So then, what happens is that anybody who talks about the subject (of sex, intimacy and relationships) literally becomes a safe space for everyone to ask their questions. Also, it is funny how everyone thinks they’re the only one with a certain question, but they have no idea how many others are asking the exact same thing.
For instance, there is this lady who wrote to me about her husband wanting to be a cuckold… it’s one of the first letters in the books. She has no idea how many women have spoken to me about the exact same thing over and over again. Through this book, I want people to understand that they're not alone in what they're asking. While on letters, an interesting thing I have noticed is how nuanced they have become over the years.
A recurring theme in the letters is shame and guilt. Everything almost seems to be a variation of ‘How can I do this?’ or ‘I feel so guilty I did this.’ Would you say many people come to you hoping to overcome these two emotions? How much of this is rooted in the way we’re raised to see sex as “wrong"?
We have been taught that shame is the most important thing. I always say that the Kama Sutra was written in about 300 AD; at the same time, around 325 AD, the first Ecumenical Council of the Catholic Church was set up. While one text is saying pleasure is good, the other one is saying pleasure is evil and that your body is dirty.
So, we are all stuck in a twilight zone between the two: we know pleasure exists and is desirable, but we've been taught it’s bad. We are living in such a dystopian world where everybody wants pleasure, but everybody thinks of it as a bad thing, like it's a gun to your head.
Your advice often underlines that consent is an ongoing process, and not something that’s just agreed to in the beginning of an intimate act. You also speak about saying ‘No’ and stepping out of toxic relationships.
We still treat consent as a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’. But we don’t acknowledge that a lot of the time, there is coercion involved. For instance, if one partner keeps asking for something, eventually the other might say, “okay, I’ll do it to keep you happy." Many people fear saying ‘yes’ to something new because they’re terrified of what happens if they don’t like it.
I need people to understand that it’s okay to say ‘No’. You have the right to say, “I’ll try it but if I don’t like it, I will tell you. If I don’t want it, I will tell you." So yes, consent is ongoing, but I’ll add that it also has to be solid. Like you cannot think that if a person keeps quiet, or just smiles, it’s a ‘Yes’. You have to get a proper (vocal) ‘Yes’ at every phase of the act.
As a writer, sexual health educator, Kama Sutra expert and mythologist, you’re required to remain nonjudgmental. How do you stay balanced while responding to such a wide range of problems? I’m sure there are some letters that still catch you off guard.
Being nonjudgmental has finally become a habit, but yes, there are still times when I want to shout. These days, however, I find myself literally raising my voice against people who are being judgmental. I am fighting with people and saying, “No, you cannot react like this." Yes, I have now entered this next phase of my life, which is very uncomfortable, where I'm constantly fighting with friends and saying, “You need to stop judging."
topics
