Opinion | Live and let live - that thing we do (not)
Society accepts what is tangible, seen and heard. Broken bones are easier to spot and allows one to offer sympathy to the patient. Broken hearts, misfired neurons and wrongly-wired brain which causes havoc to the patient and all their loved ones, cannot be felt or seen by others.
Empathy means the ability to understand other people’s feelings, as if we were having them ourselves.
Sympathy means the ability to take part in someone else’s feelings, mostly by feeling sorrowful about their misfortune.
Mental illness is a concept that’s being spoken about of late, in the open. Cut back to time period 20-40 years ago; this duration would remind the current middle-age readers to relate to what they probably endured, albeit silently.
Imagine a husband with mental illness that was never discussed in the open or even acknowledged in the family as an issue. That wife could not seek solace or solution with her own siblings or friends, as the general retort could have been “is your husband a drunk? Does he have a mistress ? Is he gambling ? If not any of these, then he is a good man." And so on. Never did someone understand or even try to, what the wife went through.
The point that he was mentally ill and that put enormous strain on her was forgotten. That the then-available-pharma-science offered medications did nothing more than induce sleep or to label the “patient" as “not normal" did nothing to offer solace to the family, especially the children growing up. Family and friends would silently shy away from talking about the issue and would appease their souls by stating “ask if you need any help", the tone indicated an embarrassed “don’t".
For those relatives, the occasional tick-mark visits, guilt-solved by doling a ‘Milk-bikis’ packet to the children and some fruits to the family was a relief for the next few months. The act made a mental illness (then not even understood as so) look like a contagious one. Everyone shunned. Cousins grew up as strangers. Visits were rare and short, if at all. The family elders did not understand the need to show sensitivity of not comparing children from same generation and their skill sets and prowess on tennis courts & special hobbies; for the children from the shunned side never had access to those due to financial reasons.
That one generation of youngsters grew up (just too fast in mental age) with the constant feeling of “did I do anything wrong?" They also questioned the concept of God or even clung too much to their religion or to anything or anyone who gave them hope to their unanswered question - “why me?".
Tangled lives. Tangible pain
Society accepts what is tangible, seen and heard. Broken bones are easier to spot and allows one to offer sympathy to the patient. Broken hearts, misfired neurons and wrongly-wired brain which causes havoc to the patient and all their loved ones, cannot be felt or seen by others. There is a lot that’s hidden in their outwardly visible smiles.
Global research studies have shown that after a major life threatening physical ailment, chances of a couple splitting are very high. The same applies in a far worse manner to mental ailments. Any mental illness breaks up the family, from within. Outwardly everything looks nice and fine, as the family stays together and suffers endlessly - “it’s a cosy family, with rosy settings & nosy neighbours".
Mental ailment hardens the soul of children growing up with it. Toughens them up to the extent that the concept of “family" is doubted or questioned, forever. Most of these families await “closure" for this deep emotional hurt that had not only created a big hole in their very soul, but also shown the true colours of how society shuns silently. It is either in their very materialistic success or yet another larger emotional trauma that the family undergoes together, that brings back some closure.
'Success is relative', it can be interpreted as 'relatives come back when you are successful'. Many from such broken families have seen such a behaviour. When family finances go dry, it kills aspirations and even scholastic aptitude. Normal hunger could turn into ‘hunger for success’ or simply ‘hunger to be accepted in the society’. Education could be a way out to the penury and pain. Or even simply put away. But all that comes at a huge cost.
What should be normal growing-up experience becomes an endless new knowledge of names of medications and treatments; but cannot be shown-off as it would invite undue stares from friends. When a childhood or your youthhood is robbed by mental illness in the family, the concept of taking onus of one’s livelihood and career becomes a harsh necessity. And the individuals impacted by this have a tinge of pain and hurt all their lives; whether they are judged as cold, calculating or withdrawn. This feeling of “shame" can be called by any other name. But remains faceless !
There should be no embarrassment or shame in accepting a mental problem because it is what it is - a human problem. It needs medical attention. And it needs associated care. Society can be harsh in judging those families undergoing such trauma. It is in those moments when we realise that empathy gets formed and reshaped in ways that we can’t comprehend.
Most people don’t understand the difference between the words 'sympathy' and 'empathy'. They “express" sympathy (to the point of mocking) than “demonstrating" empathy. Hopefully the 21st century that we live in, would allow us to live & let live. And to take steps that offer solace, hope and succour to those having mental illness and to their families.
(The author is an independent markets commentator. Views expressed are his personal.)
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