They’re happily married, they just can’t stand each other’s candidates

Irwin and Denise Weinberg were sure the neighbors could hear them yelling at each other one recent evening. Denise, a lifelong Republican, was trying to convince her husband, a Democrat-turned-independent, to vote for Donald Trump.

“I don’t want to talk about it!" Irwin shouted at his wife.

“I’m going to bed," she fired back.

Welcome to divided marriage in 2024.

Some couples are trying, unsuccessfully, to avoid discussing politics. Others are attempting to defuse the tension with humor or shared interests. Many are counting the days until Nov. 5, hoping the drama will dissipate.

There isn’t a lot of data on politically mixed marriages, but researchers believe the numbers are declining in the U.S. According to the most recent analysis from the Institute for Family Studies, a conservative think tank, just 21% of American marriages were politically mixed in 2020, down from about 30% in 2016. Of the current mixed pairings, just about 4% were between Democrats and Republicans—most couplings included an independent.

This shift mirrors a larger trend: Like increasingly marries like. In recent years, a growing share of American husbands and wives are roughly the same age and earn about the same, according to the Pew Research Center.

The move toward political homogamy doesn’t seem likely to reverse itself any time soon. Just about 15% of Republicans and Democrats who are single say they would seriously date someone from the other side of the political divide, according to a study by the Kinsey Institute and funded by the Match Group dating-software company.

People’s political views have become fundamental to their identities in recent years, says William Doherty, who co-founded the nonpartisan Braver Angels nonprofit after the 2016 election, out of concern for the tone of political discourse. Donald Trump didn’t start this shift, but his political rise has coincided with increased polarization. A marriage and family therapist for decades, Doherty says the first time he heard of a spouse wanting to divorce because of politics was in 2016.

“People are angry," he says.

‘I get loud’

The Weinbergs, who have been married six years, met after the 2016 election.“We discussed our views, but Trump was already president, so it didn’t matter," says Denise, 71, a retired nurse.

During the 2020 and current election seasons, Denise says she has tried to convince her husband to vote for Trump. Irwin, who is undecided, refuses to engage. Then she gets frustrated and keeps pushing. “It’s my personality," she says. “And I don’t have all the facts so I get loud."

After an argument, the couple cools down quickly. Irwin, 77, a retired management consultant, prefers to focus on their love. “It is a foundation that is there regardless of the grenades that are tossed," he says. And Denise reminds herself that politics aren’t worth causing trouble in their marriage.

Doherty, of Braver Angels, recommends that some spouses with political differences avoid talking about them. “Accept that you married someone of a different faith," he says. “Don’t let parties, policies and personalities blind you to what you have in common."

He suggests using these words: “I love you. This is hurting us. Let’s not argue."

And if you feel you must discuss politics? “Talk to share, not to change the other person’s mind," Doherty says.

Looking for the off ramp

When Tim Rhoads, a Republican, told his wife, Chris, a Democrat, that he was voting for Trump in 2016, she made him promise that he wouldn’t tell their two daughters. “I didn’t want them to think their father sanctioned how Trump treated women," says Chris, 63, who runs a nonprofit.

Tim, 68, honored her request, even though he felt stifled. That hasn’t stopped the spouses from bickering about political issues, particularly immigration, with Chris yelling and gesturing “like Cher in ‘Moonstruck,’" she says.

When that happens, Tim, a retired chief executive, takes a conversational off-ramp, saying: “Baby, I love you, but we need to change the subject." He’s also made a new rule: No political discussions after 9 p.m.

And the spouses say they are able to bridge their divide with their shared love of tango, which they do several times a week with other couples. “Tango is a close embrace, where you try to listen to your partner so you can dance together," Tim says. “It’s the opposite of what we do when we are arguing."

The Chemotherapy Test

Jeanne Safer is a Democrat and psychoanalyst, who has written a book on mixed political relationships. Richard Brookhiser is a Republican and a longtime editor at the conservative National Review. They say they haven’t fought over politics during this election season—or at any time during their 44 years of marriage. Their secret? They don’t discuss their views with each other. It helps that they don’t have a TV and neither likes Trump.

It’s a lesson they say they learned before they wed, when Jeanne explained that she supports abortion rights. “We argued about it," says Richard, 69. “Then we saw how difficult it was going to be, so we decided not to talk about it again."

The spouses, who have both had cancer, have a term for their approach: the Chemotherapy Test.

“When you are in the hospital getting chemotherapy, you don’t ask the person who comes to visit you who they voted for," Richard says.

Write to Elizabeth Bernstein at Elizabeth.Bernstein@wsj.com