How to avoid becoming estranged from a loved one

I’ve been asked this by many readers recently after I wrote about parents who are estranged from their adult children.

It’s a valid worry. About 10% of the population is estranged from a parent or child at any given time, research shows. And with rising rates of depression and mental illness, plus increasing social tensions, therapists and researchers believe that the problem is becoming even more widespread.

To help families avoid a rift, I reached out to Joshua Coleman, a psychologist and senior fellow at the Council on Contemporary Families and an expert on how to avoid and repair estrangements. He has written two books on the subject, including “Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties & How to Heal the Conflict.” He also speaks from personal experience: He has weathered, and repaired, an estrangement with one of his own adult daughters.

Here are edited excerpts of our conversation.

Who typically initiates an estrangement?

It is primarily the adult child. For the parents, there is no upside, unless the child is very mentally ill or abusive.

For the adult child, there can be all sorts of benefits. From their perspective, an estrangement can help them protect their mental health. Or it can allow them to express their personal identity—such as gender or sexuality—if that is at odds with their parents.

Why are estrangements happening more now?

There are many reasons. Take political differences. Fifteen years ago, you didn’t care if your kid married a Democrat or a Republican, as long as they loved each other. But now the way people view the opposite party has become very harsh.

Therapy is a cause, too. Younger generations are much more likely to go to therapy. And many young people are being encouraged to look at childhood as a primary cause of their depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. Many therapists tell their clients that they need to cut off their parents for their mental health. They have become what sociologist Allison Pugh calls “detachment brokers.”

We also live in the most individualistic society on record, with an obsession on personal growth and happiness. People are motivated to remove any obstacles that get in the way of their own personal well-being—even their parents.

Have we become more intolerant of parents?

An important study from Australia found that in the last few decades we have really lowered the threshold to what is labeled harmful, abusive, traumatizing and neglectful behavior. For example, the notion of emotional abuse or neglect are relatively new frameworks that are very active in the complaints of adult children today.

We also have rising rates of mental illness in the U.S., and that not only affects parents and their parenting, but also affects the adult child’s ability to have a relationship with their parent or view their parent with clarity.

Is estrangement ever necessary?

Yes, in families where there has been a significant history of abuse or neglect.

But you believe that most people should try to avoid a rift. Why?

The research is pretty clear that good family relationships are the key to a happy life.

There is also a domino effect to estrangements. They don’t just affect the two or three people who are estranged. They end up being a cataclysmic event in the family. Grandchildren get cut off from their grandparents. Siblings line up in support of one side or the other. Cousins can get cut off from each other.

How can a parent avoid an estrangement?

First, you need to understand that nothing compels your adult child to have a relationship with you. Adult children today don’t feel the same cultural sense of obligation or duty that their parents felt toward their own mothers and fathers. They’re much more interested in whether the relationship aligns with their own ideals for personal happiness and growth.

This means that you have to communicate in ways that are respectful, egalitarian and sensitive to who your child is psychologically.

What if your child is critical of you?

It is very important to understand that if your child wants to talk about how you impacted them, they are doing that to feel closer to you or to repair something that feels broken in the relationship, not to shame or humiliate you.

You need to tune into what your child’s complaints are and be willing to change your behavior. Some kids may be trying to tell you something through language. But others may be conflict-avoidant and are trying to tell you something through their withdrawal.

How can parents tune in without becoming defensive?

All parents hate hearing that they neglected or hurt their child. It is natural that the first thing out of their mouth probably won’t be the most productive. But they need to find the kernel of truth in the complaints, without explaining them away.

This takes listening, being curious, being willing to self-reflect, not defend. Parents need to be willing to go deeper into the child’s complaints—not to prove them wrong, but to deepen their understanding and reflect their willingness to heal whatever harm they have caused.

With my estrangement from my daughter, I learned that I needed to stop defending, stop explaining and take responsibility for my part in the problem.

What if parents don’t agree with the complaint?

It depends on what that complaint is.

I typically tell the parents to say: “It is clear that I have significant blind spots and that I wasn’t aware that you felt so hurt. But I am glad that you let me know, and I am willing to listen to you share more about how it impacted you. I am willing to do my own therapy or go to family therapy. And I am interested in getting more feedback going forward, and in learning how to respond more productively.”

It is not enough to just say “I love you.” You need to say that you will do whatever it takes to heal the specific ways that you have been hurtful.

How can adult children approach their parents about a complaint?

First, know that it is going to be really difficult for your parents to hear your complaints and not get defensive, unless they are really good communicators.

Ideally, you should start by talking about whatever it is that you love, value and appreciate about your parents.

Then, let them know why you are raising the complaint—that you are not raising it to shame them, but to improve your relationship.

What else should you do to avoid an estrangement with a parent?

If you are considering an estrangement, let them know. They may have no idea that things are as bad as they are.

Avoid diagnosing them or attaching labels. Don’t call them a narcissist or a gaslighter. Rather than saying: “I learned in therapy that you are an emotionally immature parent,” say, “When you did x or y, I felt this.”

Be specific about the kind of behaviors you would like your parents to work on.

Give them an opportunity to defend or explain themselves, but not to prove you wrong. Do not let that shut down the conversation. But don’t assume you know why your parents made the choices they made.

And if your therapist is encouraging the estrangement, do some independent reflection. Remember that unless your therapist has met your parents, they may not see the whole picture.

Is it OK if the relationship remains imperfect?

Yes. It is very much like a marriage. It is useful to get it as good as you can. But each person has to acknowledge their own flaws and how they contribute to the dynamic. And each has to be compassionate to the other.

Write to Elizabeth Bernstein at Elizabeth.Bernstein@wsj.com