Virat Kohli says imposter syndrome still affects him after 20 years in cricket – ‘completely spent’

Virat Kohli embraced leadership early in his career, but over time, the intensity with which he carried the dual responsibility of captain and batting mainstay left him emotionally and physically exhausted.

“It came very naturally to me, even from my Under-19 days, because I was so involved in the game and really present in what was happening on the field,” Kohli said while speaking at the RCB Innovation Lab at the Centre for Sports Excellence in Bengaluru on Tuesday. “I always enjoyed extra responsibility and always had this feeling in my heart that I wanted to be the player the team could rely on.”

Kohli was identified as a future leader after guiding India’s Under-19 side to the World Cup title in Malaysia in 2008, and he went on to become one of the country’s most successful captains. At the same time, he was also India’s most important batter, making the burden of both roles particularly demanding.

“I ended up being in a place where I became the focal point of our batting unit, and then I became the focal point of leadership,” Kohli reflected. “I didn't realise how much of a load both those things would place on my daily life, to be honest. But because I was so driven and motivated to make sure Indian cricket stayed on top, I didn't really pay attention to it.

“And that's precisely why, by the time I left captaincy, I was completely spent. There was nothing left in the tank to give. I was completely consumed by it. So yes, it was gruesome. It was difficult to manage expectations — if you won but didn’t score runs, then you were asked about your performances; and if you performed but the team didn’t win, then you were asked about the results. So it was always about juggling the two and trying to manage them as best as I could.

“My prime focus was always to make sure the team felt secure.”

Kohli led India in 68 Tests between 2014 and 2022, winning 40 — the most by any Indian captain. During much of that phase, he also dominated with the bat, averaging 63.8 in the first 53 Tests of his captaincy stint until the end of 2019.

The Covid-19 pandemic coincided with a prolonged slump in form, and Kohli admitted the strain of captaincy had left him drained. The turnaround, he said, came under the guidance of Rahul Dravid and Vikram Rathour during 2023, when he rediscovered his rhythm across tours of India, the West Indies and South Africa.

“I had a great run in Test cricket in 2023, and whenever I see them, I always thank them from the bottom of my heart because they really took care of me in a way that made me feel like, ‘I want to play for them. I want to perform, go out there and grind it out. I want to do the hard work for them,’” Kohli revealed. “Because they were so caring and nurturing.

“And they made me realise what I have done so far — which obviously you can’t sit down and think about, like, ‘I’ve done this and that, I’ve scored so many runs.’

“As a player, not many people know that you’re always walking a very thin line between being cautious and being insecure. You always feel like you’re never good enough. And that’s the imposter syndrome, if I may mention it.

“Even if I go to the nets today, I feel that at this stage, when these youngsters are watching, if I have a bad nets session, they’re going to think, ‘This is the guy who has been playing for 20 years?’ That’s always at the back of your mind. You have to live up to your own standards. They (Dravid and Rathour) understood that.”

That support, at a critical phase of his career, helped Kohli reconnect with the joy of playing. Though he has retired from Tests and T20Is, he continues to thrive in the IPL and remains a dominant force in ODI cricket.